Why It’s Hard For Moms To Make Friends in Japan

One of the biggest hurdles for new moms is trying to make friends with other moms and to break free of the loneliness that sometimes comes with motherhood.

For many mothers in Japan, the journey into motherhood brings joy, sleepless nights and an unexpected sense of loneliness. While parenting is a universally challenging experience, Japanese social norms, cultural expectations and the structure of community life can make it particularly difficult for moms to form lasting friendships.

These past two years were full of change for me as I transitioned into motherhood and moved to a new prefecture. With this big change came job loss, daycare-waiting-list limbo, and worst of all, loneliness. I was struggling to cope with the monumental task of making new friends in a new city.

But maybe luck took pity on me because I somehow managed to make one friend. She’s a Japanese mother of two, and it was beyond refreshing to hear her honesty about the problems women face as mothers in Japan. She noted that finding long-term mama-tomo (mom friends) is equally difficult for Japanese mothers.

The Isolation Begins Early

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For many new mothers, isolation starts during pregnancy or immediately after birth. Maternity leave can cause resentment in the workplace, especially if the mother’s coworkers take on her workload. If the search for daycare extends beyond expectations, this can increase tensions in the office. Many working moms abandon stable careers for part-time jobs for this reason.

In addition, cultural attitudes about burdening others often prevent women from reaching out. The Japanese value of enryo (restraint or modesty) means mothers may hesitate to invite others over or ask for help—even if they’re struggling. For non-Japanese mothers, it can be even harder if their extended family is out of the country. They have to rely on friends or in-laws, which might make some people uncomfortable.

The “Perfect Mother” Pressure

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Before getting pregnant, I attended many lunches with friends who had children. I could see the burden they carried to prove they were the perfect mothers—organized, nurturing, modest and wholly devoted to motherhood. This can be one of the main reasons many mothers might put up walls to avoid criticism.

For working mothers, it can be even harder. There’s little time or energy left for socializing. And since many mama-tomo groups revolve around school activities scheduled during the day, working moms often feel left out. Even when opportunities arise, they might experience guilt for their lack of participation in their child’s school life. This can further alienate them from potential friendships.

Opportunities For Connection

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As a first-time mom and a foreigner, attending events or classes was intimidating. The first time I went to a kodomokan (children’s hall), I begged my husband to go with me. The idea of showing up at an unfamiliar place with my four-month-old in tow terrified me. By sharing my experience, I hope to ease your fears about visiting Japan’s children’s centers.

The kodomokan was large, for all ages, and had a small entrance fee of ¥200. There were no forms to sign or reservations necessary. There was a designated baby area for children from zero months to two years of age. A diaper changing station with hot water was a few steps away, should I need anything at all. In fact, I didn’t talk to the staff the entire time I was there.

As for my local jidoukan (children’s center)‌, I ended up filling out a form on my second visit. The staff wanted to make my son a cute name tag to wear during his visits. They also invited us to join the upcoming club, Paruniko Kurabu, which was a designated club for my son’s age. Different clubs are available for various age groups, and they offer unique, fun activities monthly.

Among the many events they hold, my local jidoukan also has a toy library where children can rent a toy for a month. The experienced staff happily distract or guide your child during events, giving moms a much-needed break. Overall, it’s a place meant to help children blow off steam and moms to relax.

A Path Forward

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After talking with many moms, both Japanese and non-Japanese, I’ve come to realize that we’re all struggling to find a solid group of friends. Some of these friendships might be surface-level, centering on playdates, and amount to nothing more. Despite these challenges, many moms in Japan do eventually find their people—it just takes time, intention and resilience.

Some strategies that help include:

• Joining local parenting groups or classes and making a habit of attending regularly.
• Volunteering at school or community events, even in small ways. If you’re a working mom, this can be slightly embarrassing, but even the most minor effort counts. Plus, other working moms will find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.
• Taking the initiative to invite other moms for coffee or playdates, despite the fear of rejection.
• Being open and a little vulnerable can help others feel safe to do the same.
• Connecting online, where many moms find supportive spaces to vent, share and meet others.

Perhaps most importantly, please know that if you feel lonely, you’re far from alone. Nearly every mother I spoke to mentioned the struggle to make friends. They even admitted that the friendships were sometimes shallow or limited. These connections may come slowly, but for many moms, those hard-won friendships become a lifeline on the long, beautiful and often lonely journey of parenting.

If you’ve found your mama-tomo or have tips on making connections with other moms, then leave a comment down below. Let us know what worked for you or where you met them so that other moms can do the same and make some friends in Japan.

Comments

Anthony says:

September 28, 2025 at 6:46 pm

As both a father and grandfather, I can thoroughly recommend the suggestions made here. Mothers have to be helped in as many ways as they need in order to be good mothers and bring up good children.

Anna Ito says:

October 2, 2025 at 2:45 pm

I’m grateful that I was able to make a lot of mama-tomo during my 1 year of leave. I used Facebook foreign mom groups. It’s also nice to befriend older moms- the group AFWJ helped me with that. My co-worker as well- I see them daily, so it’s practical.