Letters from Japan: “Getting Older in Japan”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Dear Hilary—I am getting older in Japan.

I’m a woman in my late forties, divorced with no kids. I’ve been living in Japan for most of my adult life. I’m starting to feel left behind, unseen and out of my league, if that makes any sense. I’m getting older in Japan, and I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. Can you give me any insight?

—Aging With Dignity

Dear Aging With Dignity,

It’s understandable that you would feel that way. Here’s a fun/random fact: as of the end of 2024, there were more than 230,000 foreign residents aged 65 or older in Japan. Japan is aging, and so is its foreign population. Things like pensions, retirement age and how to live in Japan beyond working age are topics of conversation among many people in their thirties and forties.

For many people in their late forties, it can feel like the world isn’t made for them anymore. Pop culture has moved in new directions that don’t seem to fit who you are. Fashion has looped around back to what you wore as a young teen or university student. You might find yourself feeling cut off from that side of life in general.

Add in the fact that you live in Japan and are, therefore, further removed from your peer group. It’s only natural to feel “left behind, unseen and out of your league,” as you said.

Aside from navigating perimenopause or menopause in Japan, you’re also approaching retirement age. A lot of foreigners in Japan struggle with depression or social isolation, and this only seems to get more difficult for everyone with age.

First of all, recognize that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.

It happens to all of us eventually. It’s how you deal with those feelings that matters.

Some wisdom on this topic can be found in an age-old Japanese concept, and one that became globally popular a few years ago: ikigai, or finding one’s purpose. In short, ikigai is what makes getting out of bed in the morning worth it to you.

It could be your work, your hobby, exercise or simply wanting to listen to music and chill out before you deal with the day. Whatever it is, if you can find that and make sure that you do take that time for yourself, you’ll feel a lot better about going forward with your day.

I’m sure that to many, it can sound like some silly concept, and that’s true for Japanese people, too. Putting the ikigai concept into practice takes effort.

“Finding your ikigai sounds like such an old person thing. For a long time, I figured it was something that only people who had that much free time on their hands could bother with. Old people are always taking trips, joining new hobbies, going out to see museums and so on. Now I’m old and I get it. Living for work was terrible. Now I have friends, I go out, I eat better. I like living” (Japanese, 60s).

Is it easy to find your ikigai? No. Is it hard to find your ikigai? Also no.

It all depends on the energy you want to put into the process.

I’m not sure how you would categorize yourself in terms of intro- or extroversion, but one of the main things you can do to help yourself find purpose in life is getting out and seeing the bigger world around you. That doesn’t necessarily mean travelling abroad or even domestically. Going for walks and finding new things in your neighborhood can really help shift your perspective on life. Some friends of mine did this and ended up finding and joining a local meet-up group, despite not being fluent in Japanese.

You mentioned being divorced but nothing about being in a relationship. If you are interested in finding a new partner, you can also do that by going out and trying new things. Meet-cutes aren’t limited to movies or young people, after all.

You might also be thinking about moving back to your home country.

I’m not sure where you’re from, but if you do want to move back, you should look into your pension/social insurance system there and see if it is connected to or has any agreements with Japan’s system. While I’m by no means an immigration lawyer, there are a number of factors you’ll need to consider and things to take care of aside from moving itself.

If you are considering moving back to your home country, that’s certainly an option, and many people take it even after they’ve lived in Japan for many years. That being said, you may also have your reasons for wanting to stay in the country. It’s a very personal, albeit difficult decision to make, and no one can or should make it for you.

Just remember that you’ve navigated plenty of tough decisions so far in life, so I’m certain you’ll come to the right conclusion for you. Mood follows action, so try to take actions that will make you feel the way you want to feel. Best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”