Letters from Japan: “Stinky Boyfriend”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Hey Hilary—How do I address issues of stinky body odor with my Japanese boyfriend?

I’m not sure how to be polite about this, but my boyfriend (Japanese, 30s) has started to stink this summer. I know it’s hot and sweaty for everyone, and I’m sure I don’t always smell my freshest, but this is just wrong. It only started this summer, too. His body odor never bothered me before. Now, sometimes I find myself nearly retching when he comes over after being outside.

I had to throw away a pillow on my sofa because it absorbed that smell. No amount of washing or fabric spray made the smell go away. I’ve tried to bring up things like antiperspirants, deodorants, or even cologne to him before, and he says he uses them, but whatever he uses doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

Is it just this summer that’s made it worse, or what? How do I talk to him about how bad he smells without breaking up with him in the process? 

—Smell Harassed

Dear Smell Harassed,

This summer has been eye-opening for many people in terms of how sweaty they can be and still survive. Unfortunately, it’s also made traveling by train feel like scent torture.

Being sweaty is one thing, but any changes to diet can also impact how someone smells. Gaining or losing weight, stress, what fabrics you wear, and so on can also impact how someone smells. There are as many ways to smell as there are people on the planet.

It’s often been stated that East Asians don’t have any noticeable body odor because of a genetic variation, but that isn’t entirely true. While it’s thought that 80-90 percent of East Asians carry the ‘non-stinky’ ABCC11 gene, studies have found that this mainly applies to South Korean populations, not to East Asians in general.

Studies conducted at Tokai University have also shown that skin gas, which is composed of over 300 substances, contributes to body odor. These include the compounds that cause foot odor (isovaleric acid), diacetyl (common in men in their 30s and 40s) and oxidized skin oil—often referred to as “old person smell” or 加齢臭 (kareishu; “aging odor”) in Japanese.

Middle-Aged Man Smell

© Photo by iStock: yamasan

Given that your boyfriend is in his 30s, it could be that what you’re smelling is the ‘middle-aged man’ smell. As much as you might not want to remember it, try to categorize the scent.

If it’s a musty scent that reminds you of old or expired cooking oil or butter, and you notice it mainly from his head or back, then that could be diacetyl that you’re smelling. Women in particular are more negatively affected by this scent, according to studies by Mandom, a Japanese personal care brand.

In that case, there are special ‘middle-aged man’-specific shampoos, conditioners and body soaps that target those problem areas. With prolonged use, these products can reduce or even eliminate those odors completely.

If it’s not that sort of scent, then I would strongly suggest you have your boyfriend see a doctor. Sudden changes in body odor or how much or how little someone sweats can be a sign of serious illness.

What has your boyfriend’s mental state been like recently?

Has he seemed withdrawn or depressed? If so, then it could be natural body odor due to neglecting his own hygiene that you’re smelling. If he’s not feeling up to regularly showering or laundering his clothes, that could also be impacting the way he smells.

While it can be embarrassing to bring up body odor to a partner, framing it as a concern for their health is probably your best course of action. As you stated in your email, their smell never bothered you before, but you think it’s changed recently, and that worries you.

Suppose he has been depressed or feeling a lot of stress. Helping him find ways of coping with and working through things could get him back to smelling like himself again. One suggestion that might help is to offer to bathe together. The intimacy and vulnerability that bathing brings out in both people can help alleviate stress. It might be a good baby step towards addressing the body odor issue overall.

I would not mention that pillow, nor would I accuse him of not using deodorants, etc. Your best bet is to focus on the fact that you noticed the change and think it needs addressing from a medical or more serious perspective. I wish you both the best of luck in resolving this issue.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”