Letters from Japan: “My Ex Wants To Reconnect”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Dear Hilary—My Ex Wants To Reconnect

To make a very long story short, I dated a Japanese guy for two years while we lived in [redacted] for university. We broke up because we wanted different things at the time. He stayed in North America, and I had a career opportunity that took me to Europe. After a few years, that turned into a better opportunity in Japan. A week ago, I got a message from him via social media. He said that he’s back permanently in Japan now, and noticed that I was here too, and wondered if I’d be interested in meeting up.

We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in about 10 years, but when I got the message from him, I felt excited. I looked at his profile, and he seems like he’s doing great. A big part of me is interested in catching up, but I’m not sure what prompted him to reach out. I’m single, not interested in having children, and still focused on my career. I don’t know what he wants or expects from us meeting again after so long. What should I do? 

—Gone Not Forgotten

Hey Hilary—My Cheating Ex Wants To Reconnect

I broke up with my ex six months ago after he cheated on me. We were together for a year, and he cheated for four months of that, as far as I know. He said he cheated because he wanted to see what it would be like to date a Japanese woman (he’s Japanese, but he only ever dated foreigners, he said). He made a new account and started sending me messages on Instagram and tried to add me on WhatsApp too. I’m not dating anyone right now, so I could give him another chance, but I don’t know if that’s me being lonely or what.

—He’s Back

Dear Gone Not Forgotten and He’s Back,

I’ve decided to combine your letters into one response as they touch on very similar themes: a Japanese ex wants to reconnect.

While it’s not unusual for an ex to reappear in your life, for some reason, it seems to happen a lot more often in Japan. Off the top of my head, I can think of six women I know personally who have gotten messages from exes within the last four months, so that should give you some idea of the frequency.

Generally speaking, there are three ways of dealing with an ex-reappearing in your life: 

• Ignore
• Interrupt
• Invite

Ignore

Ignore is the simplest option. Screenshot and then delete the message they sent, block whatever account they messaged you from, and continue living your best life without giving them another thought.

Interrupt

Interrupt is the second easiest. Reply to their message with a polite but firm “not interested,” and then if they reply or get pushy, screenshot, delete and block.

Why Screenshot?

© Photo by iStock: mapo

To protect yourself in the rare, but not unheard of, instance where said ex becomes a stalker. You’ll need copies of those messages to make your case with the police if you need to get a restraining order.

Invite

The last option is the most complicated and likely hardest: Invite. If you invite your ex back into your life, you leave yourself vulnerable in one way or another.

Choosing to hear out what an ex might have to say, especially in person, leaves you vulnerable to any lingering feelings you may have towards them. Those feelings can sometimes cloud your judgment and may make you view your past relationship as being better than it was, or, on the other hand, it can make an otherwise good relationship look worse than it was.

How you feel that day, what sort of condition your hormones are in and how satisfied you are with other aspects of your life—all of that can impact how you see your ex and influence how you view whatever happens while speaking with them.

Dear Gone Not Forgotten,

You’ve been apart for 10 years, and from your message, you broke up because you had different life plans. You might want to take the risk and see him to find out what his reason for messaging you was.

It could simply be that he wants to catch up as friends, and that’s why he messaged you. The fact that you were excited to hear from him says that you still care about him (even just as a friend). It could be his way of testing the waters to see if you and he align in terms of life goals now. You won’t really know until you communicate with one another.

If you do meet with him, don’t go into it with any preconceived notions about his reasons or expectations of/for you. Meet up in a public place, take it at face value, and you’ll feel more comfortable about seeing him. It could be a meeting that provides closure, turn into a great friendship or be a meet-cute between you two—whatever it is, let it happen naturally.

Dear He’s Back,

In your case, I strongly recommend screenshotting everything and ignoring your ex. Don’t reply to his messages or pay him any attention. He already proved that he can and will cheat on you once. Why would you want to let him possibly do it a second time?

I understand that you’re feeling lonely, but if you let him use your loneliness against you, you’re not going to be happy in the long term. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who cheated because he wanted to try something different. He may have only messaged you because he didn’t get anywhere with the woman he cheated on you with. He’s probably lonely and thinks that if he plays his cards right, he can get you back because you’re in a similar state emotionally. Loneliness is temporary, and you shouldn’t lower your standards just to alleviate said loneliness. Remember that a good partner will make you a priority, not an option.

To Gone Not Forgotten and He’s Back, I wish you both luck. I’m hoping for the best for both of you.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”