Dear Hilary,

Recently, I’ve started going out for dinner often with an employee from the same company but a different department who joined last year. We chat during working hours too when we aren’t busy. I enjoy spending time with her, chatting with her, and it seems like she enjoys it too. I’ve started to like her and find myself thinking about her now and then. I’ve even lost interest in other women romantically after meeting her. But here’s the twist: she’s in early 20s, and I’m in my mid‑30s. She’s Japanese, and I’m a foreigner. She’s beautiful, and I’m… well, fat. Sometimes, when I’m feeling confident and motivated, I think that appearance, age and nationality shouldn’t matter, and I feel like expressing my feelings. But then I remind myself that this isn’t a movie or a fairy tale, and I don’t want to ruin what we currently have.

On top of that, she’s looking for a boyfriend, and although I wish her good luck and give advice too, it’s only half‑hearted. If she liked me, she wouldn’t have told me that she is looking for a boyfriend. I do feel she just sees me as a good friend, which is not bad at all. My love story with her might never happen, but I want her to live her story happily. It won’t take much time for her to get a boyfriend because she is kind, smart, beautiful, young, and has a lovely smile. I’ll definitely be jealous when she gets a boyfriend, haha. But when she gets one, I hope she gets the best. Also, it’s quite obvious that we won’t be hanging out like now once she gets one.

If she were from another company, I might have taken a chance, but the same company can complicate things. So my question is: how do I deal with my current state of mind? – Incomplete Love Story

Dear Incomplete Love Story,

I don’t often get emails from men, so thank you for writing. Yours is a situation I’ve unfortunately seen a number of times from people who have come to Japan for work. I agree that appearance, age, and nationality should not matter, but given that she is your coworker, you should proceed with caution.

How often do you and your coworker go out for dinner together? It’s not clear from your email, but it sounds like you’re in a “just talking” sort of relationship. According to your email, your coworker has also expressed an interest in finding a boyfriend. There are two ways to interpret this: she is interested in you or she’s coming to you for advice about a different guy.

There is no way of telling without asking her, and that can lead to various other issues.

Personally, I don’t believe in dating anyone where you work because of how it can complicate your livelihood and visa status if things go wrong. That said, unless your company has anti-fraternization rules, you are allowed to spend time with anyone you want.

If you want to find out how your coworker feels, start by being honest with yourself. Ask yourself how often she initiates your hangouts versus how often you initiate them. If she does initiate, what sorts of places does she suggest? Does she suggest others join in as well? Depending on your answers to these questions, you may gain a better understanding of how your coworker feels about you.

On the other hand, if you want to know directly, you can simply ask her. Unfortunately, you can’t go back from there; if you ask and she wants to date you, then that’s wonderful. If she doesn’t, then things will be awkward between you at work.

You seem to not only understand how you feel, but have already come to the conclusion that you shouldn’t confess how you feel to her.

You should be proud of yourself for being able to remain logical in the face of such overwhelming feelings.

Dealing with your current state of mind won’t be easy, but there are some things you can do to regain a sense of balance and step back from this situation without hurting yourself, her, or your work.

You’ve already started by acknowledging your feelings, which is good. Limiting your interactions with her to professional ones only, and redirecting your energy towards your work and personal life are two other steps you can take.

Getting over a crush takes time, but if you redirect your energy, you might find love somewhere else. For example, joining an activity or participating in an event can open up whole new worlds for you. Don’t beat yourself up for having a crush. You’re human, you’re allowed to have feelings. It’s how you deal with them that matters. Good luck.

Hey Hilary,

I’m an American woman in her early thirties and I was dating a Japanese man in his mid-thirties until just before Christmas. We were only dating for a year, but when we met (from a Japanese matching app), it was love at first sight for me. He lived with his parents so I never visited his home, but he came over all the time. We talked about someday getting married and maybe having children. After our one year anniversary I mentioned moving in together. He told me he needed time to think about it.

The next day, I didn’t get any LINE messages from him, and the ones I sent him weren’t read either. I tried calling him but it didn’t go through, and I think he blocked me on Instagram too. I don’t understand how he could just ghost me after being together for a whole year. Is that a Japanese thing, or is he just a jerk? – Got Ghosted

Dear Got Ghosted,

Well, I’m tempted to say that he’s just a jerk, and I’m sure that’s a big part of why he chose to ghost you after dating for a year. I doubt it’s the only reason why.

This isn’t strictly a Japanese thing, or a man thing either. He might have come to the conclusion that the relationship wasn’t working for him and therefore he ended things. Ended them in a cold, cruel fashion, yes, but that could be it. You mentioned meeting via a dating app; if the app wasn’t marriage-focused, he might not have been genuinely interested in anything long-term.

There’s also a chance that he was already taken and realized he couldn’t keep the affair going.

Talking about marriage and kids is one thing, actually moving in with another person and building a life together is another. You said that he lived with his parents so you’d never been to his place – that is a pretty big red flag, to be honest. Yes, it could be true, but it’s also a very convenient way of keeping you at arm’s length.

Did you ever meet any of his friends, or were you ever made a public part of his life? There are plenty of Japanese men who are interested in having their partners meet their inner circle when they’re in a serious relationship. That said, there are also just as many who won’t introduce their partners to their parents until they’re asking for a marriage blessing. If your answer to either of these questions is no, then he was definitely keeping you in the dark.

Whatever his reasoning was, it was hurtful and, most importantly, not your fault.

There is nothing wrong with asking your boyfriend of a year if he wants to move in with you. His reaction is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to try and understand or justify what he did. You’ll only frustrate yourself if you do.

Getting closure is next to impossible when someone ghosts you. I encourage you to focus on yourself instead. Be kind to yourself.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Dear Hilary—What’s Wrong With A Traditional New Year’s?

Like many people who come to Japan, I came for the culture. At first it was anime and manga, but after I got here I became completely obsessed with Japanese traditions—especially holidays. I celebrate everything I can, and New Year’s is no exception. I even took classes on different subjects, so I wouldn’t be disrespectful. In fact, my former Japanese boyfriend and I used to attend traditional events together.

However, early this year I started dating someone new (he’s Japanese too), and about a week ago when I mentioned that I was excited to make my own osechi again. He gave me this really rude look and asked why I bothered since I’m foreign. He said that it was “weird” to want to make osechi or to go to a shrine and that I should be drinking champagne and having a “real party like normal people” do. I laughed it off, but now I feel really awkward about discussing anything related to end-of-year plans with him.

He’s already started talking about what we’re doing for Christmas, which, oddly enough, in his mind is a totally Japanese-style date, but now I’m not so sure I want to do that, or anything with him, to be honest. I’ve been using work as an excuse not to see him at the moment because I really can’t figure out what his issue is. What do you think?

—Akeome

Dear Akeome,

Wow! Before I get into your message, I just want to say how impressed I am that you make your own osechi (traditional Japanese New Year’s foods). I’ve only ever attempted it once but I’m pretty sure toshi-koshi (New Year’s Eve) soba is my limit.

You seem to disagree with what your boyfriend is saying, which is entirely understandable. I’m curious as to why he feels it’s so strange for you to celebrate a traditional Japanese New Year’s, though. The whole “why bother since you’re foreign” in particular stands out to me.

First things first: have you taken part in, celebrated or otherwise shown an understanding of or appreciation for Japanese traditions thus far in your relationship? Did he make any comments, positive or negative, about that? Did he join in or did he refuse to take part?

If so, and the comments were positive and/or he took part as well, then it could be that he has a problem with New Year’s specifically. It’s the end of the year, people are stressed out at work, there can be a lot of pressure to make things a certain way for the family’s sake, and so on. It can also be a depressing or difficult time of year. For example, an acquaintance of mine lost several family members around the New Year, and as such doesn’t celebrate it in the traditional fashion. Another friend is estranged from their family and prefers to go out to parties instead.

It could also just be osechi itself that is the issue.

I know at least four Japanese people that absolutely hate the stuff and would rather eat anything else. Or your boyfriend might simply prefer a Western-style New Year’s bash to a Japanese one and be struggling to explain this sentiment to you.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is chronically negative or put-off by your appreciation of Japanese culture, his comment could be symptomatic of a different problem with your relationship. If he, for example, takes issue with you wearing a yukata/kimono, visiting temples and shrines, or even something as small as using chopsticks, then he might be gatekeeping his culture or trying to keep you foreign for his own purposes.

Does he mock or put down Japanese culture? Or is your appreciation of Japanese culture a common complaint of his? I might start to question why he’s dating you if that’s the case. He may not be dating you for you so much as for the fact that you’re not Japanese.

It’s not that uncommon for some Japanese men (across all age groups) to have a foreign fetish.

As it were, and to use dating someone non-Japanese to make themselves feel better, or even elevate their social or career status. Some do as it gives them the appearance of being worldly or even capable of speaking another language, when in fact they cannot.

They see dating a foreigner as a stepping stone to better things, be that:

• Hafu-children, who are often sterotyped to have an envious multicultral look and abliity to speak multiple langauges
• An “automatic” visa enabling them to live overseas
• “Free” accommodations if they travel to their partner’s home country

Basically dating a foreigner is a relationship “full of perks” for them.

While they tend to come in a variety of types, the overall trend among this kind of man is a loathing or self-deprecating view of their own culture as being somehow “less than” that of Western culture. That manifests in certain expectations of non-Japanese people–namely, that they don’t take part in Japanese traditions. Some might even prefer their non-Japanese partners to actively participate in mocking those traditions alongside them.

“Sometimes Japanese guys who are obsessed with foreigners, especially white ones, have hang-ups about being Japanese. They want to be seen as this cool, exotic Japanese, but global kind of guy. But if their partner knows more about their culture than they do, they start feeling insecure about themselves. They realize they aren’t special and probably not what their partner is looking for because they don’t know their own culture, and act defensively. They’re willing to bully their partner away from Japanese culture in order to maintain that foreignness they covet.” (Japanese man, 42).

Uno Reverse It!

While not exactly the nicest of routes to take, if your boyfriend thinks it’s “weird” for you to have a Japanese-style New Year’s, then I might tell him that you would prefer to celebrate Christmas “like a foreigner”. That means no KFC, no strawberry shortcake and no sexy Santa costumes that seem to form the basis of many Japanese Christmas fantasies.

Having a clear discussion about why he feels that way about your making osechi should settle the matter clearly. He either dislikes Japanese New Year’s for his own reasons or, if he’s chronically against your taking part in Japanese culture, you and he simply have values that don’t match up.

If that turns out to be the case, then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship as you obviously have invested time, energy and money into studying them and don’t want to give that up. Best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hey Hilary—I’m Rethinking Life in Japan

You probably receive emails like this all the time, but I’ve broken up with my Japanese boyfriend, and now I’m rethinking everything about my life, including whether to stay in Japan.

I’ve lived in Japan for eight years. My Japanese ex-boyfriend and I work in the same office together; I’ve known him for all eight years, but we only dated for two. Our office has no rules against dating coworkers, and he and I were able to keep our personal and work lives separate for the most part. I don’t want to get into the details of why we broke up, but it came down to wanting different things. We decided to go our separate ways but stay friends.

Now he ignores me at work and when we do have to interact, he’s cold and standoffish. I’m good at my job, and I haven’t had any issues with anyone before the break-up, but this month, for some reason, other coworkers have had complaints about my work.

I feel like he’s brought our break-up into work, and since I’m less senior there than he is, I get the feeling that people are hoping I’ll leave.

I’m starting to seriously consider leaving my job, and Japan as well. I couldn’t easily find another job in my industry, and I would still run the risk of having to interact with my ex and my current company. I could easily work in my industry in my home country and never interact with my ex-boyfriend again.

I’m unsure whether returning overseas makes sense, or if I should relocate within Japan, or stay at my current company until my visa expires. I guess my question is, what would you do in my position?

—Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

You’ve been in Japan for some time, and you’ve experienced a significant change in a relationship, which has either directly or indirectly impacted your career as well. Understandably, you’d be feeling lost and conflicted about your future.

One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Olympia Dukakis’s character in Moonstruck: “Don’t s*** where you eat.” As you have unfortunately learned, and despite making it work for a few years, what happens between coworkers who turn into couples rarely stays out of the workplace.

While I can only take your word that your coworkers have never taken issue with your work, this sudden change in your perception in the office is telling. You know your ex best, so I would have to agree that, consciously or not, he has somehow influenced your coworkers against you.

Given that you’re now in a more hostile work environment, it also makes sense that you’d be considering leaving your current job. However, before you do, note this: if he is undermining your work, you may want to bring this to the attention of people higher up in the company.

Harassment of various kinds has become an increasingly pressing issue in Japan recently.

Harassment in the workplace is something the company would take seriously. According to top recruiting companies, your ex’s behavior could fall under power/moral harassment, which includes gossip, mental attacks and purposely excluding people and/or persuading others to do so.

You say that it wouldn’t be easy to find a new, similar position while in Japan, and you would likely still be in contact with your ex and current company.

• Would you feel comfortable still being in contact with him or the company?
• Could you separate what happened from your potential other employer?
• What do you stand to gain and lose if you were to change jobs (or even careers) in Japan?

Perhaps the more complicated question to answer:

• What would you stand to gain and lose if you were to move back to your home country?
• Would the pros outweigh the cons in the long term, or vice versa?

Another important question to consider:

• How much time do you have left on your visa?

If it’s a year or less, you might feel pressured to make decisions quickly, especially with the changing visa fees being discussed in the news these days. Don’t bow to that pressure; give yourself the time to consider your options carefully. Leaving Japan requires a lot of preparation, and if you rush into things, you might come to regret your decision in the long run.

If it’s more than a year, then I would suggest sticking it out for a month or two more at your current job. Things could settle down to relative normal again, or they might not. It’s essential to determine whether this is a temporary reaction on your coworkers’ part or if it is a sign that you should consider finding a new job. You need to know that you’re making the right decision for your career and future.

It’s nearly the end of the year, and I know things can feel more dire in this season, but you need to put yourself first and foremost. Take your time and make sure that you’re seeing things with clear eyes. You know you, so give yourself the grace to breathe, think and come to the right conclusions—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hi Hilary—He Wants My Passwords For Everything

I started dating a Japanese guy I met on Tinder this spring. We’ve only been dating for a short time, but he’s a really loving, sweet guy for the most part. My main issue is with his hang-ups about social media and my phone in particular.

As part of my job, I spend a significant amount of time on various social media platforms. I use it to monitor trends and research competition. My boyfriend recently demanded to know my phone’s PIN and the passwords for the apps I use. Because of how we met, he’s afraid I‘m still using dating apps and thinks I’ll meet men behind his back.

He told me that if I really loved him, I would be okay with sharing the details with him, even though they’re work-related, since he was willing to share all his passwords. I refused, but sometimes if I leave my phone to go to the bathroom, I come back to find it unlocked or locked but with an app open that I wasn’t using beforehand.

It doesn’t happen all the time when we’re together, but it’s making me paranoid that he’s somehow hacked my phone. What should I do?

—SOS

Dear SOS,

I’m sorry, but the sheer number of red flags in your email has my head spinning. 

One of the first things I learned way back in primary school, when computer science was first introduced, was to never, ever give anyone your password under any circumstances. I can still remember my teacher saying that anyone who demands your password isn’t your friend. Your boyfriend obviously never learned that lesson.

Not only that, he’s blaming his issues with social media on you, which they aren’t. His fears about you meeting other men online stem from his own insecurities. Additionally, the use of “if you really loved me“-style arguments speaks volumes about his level of maturity.

He’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

That right there should be a sign to take a step back and rethink this relationship. You have been dating since the spring but he’s disregarding your boundaries, claiming that it’s not love if you don’t do a particular thing he wants and accusing you of cheating on him enough that you’re starting to question yourself?

This is not a healthy relationship. It also makes me highly doubt that he is a genuinely sweet, loving guy. He sounds abusive, to put it plainly. You need to take care of yourself before he escalates things any further.

You’re not responsible for his mental well-being and it isn’t your job to “fix him.”

If his only argument as to why he needs your confidential information is that he doesn’t trust you to be faithful, then there isn’t a legitimate reason you should be dating him. Relationships are built on mutual trust and communication—and he lacks both.

Another possibility is that his constant fears of you cheating on him are his subconscious anxiety over cheating on you. Again, it’s not your job as his girlfriend to give up all your privacy and personal information to make him feel better. This is the kind of relationship that you should end as cleanly and safely as possible for the sake of your own mental health and well-being.

Things To Check

© Photo by iStock: Михаил Руденко

The fact that you’ve found your phone in different circumstances than you left it is worrying. If he has hacked it as you say, then he’s probably already looked through, copied or done whatever else he wants to with your social media and apps.

Since you use it mainly for work, is this your personal phone or one provided by the company that he’s demanding access to? Either way, he has absolutely zero right to its contents. Still, if it’s one provided by your workplace, then you could consult with your IT department or supervisor about obtaining a new device or enhancing security, at the very least.

If it is your personal phone, then there are a few things you need to check and change. You should look up your phone’s make and model and become familiar with its standard apps, as well as those provided by your phone service provider.

Are any of the apps on your phone new or not something you recognize?

If so, look them up on your computer and try to find out what they do. Anything that appears out of place or has been recently added without your permission should be uninstalled immediately. If it’s crucial for your phone’s use, the phone itself will inform you that you need the app for a specific function.

Is your location being tracked?

Some apps only track when in use, while others track constantly. However, you can control these settings from your phone’s menu. Look into those settings and if you don’t want to be tracked, turn them off. The same goes for your photos: are they being tagged with your location or not?

Do you have emails or messages in your junk/trash folders that you don’t remember receiving or sending?

Check them carefully as he could have been sending himself personal information, photos and other private data from your phone.

Change Your Passwords

© Photo by iStock: gahsoon

I don’t know how many apps you use, but if you have, say, four to five social media apps on your phone, then you’ve got some work ahead of you:

• Change all your passwords
• Enable two-factor authentication
• Update all your security settings

Every single password should be unique and impossible to guess randomly based on information about you (such as birthdays or pet names).

Friends who have had similar issues say that the best way to make sure you are the only one with access to any recovery data on your accounts is to make a new Gmail address (do not give it to anyone) and have all authorization emails, password reset requests and so on be sent to that address.

Or, Just Reset It All

According to friends who work for Apple and Android, the best way to ensure that your phone is completely free from potential tracking apps and the like is to perform a factory reset on your phone. Personally, I would take my phone into the store and have it professionally reset, just in case. Alternatively, consider updating to a new phone if your finances and/or phone plan permit it.

Once it’s all brand new software-wise, you can reinstall your known apps with their new passwords and authorizations. Last but not least, depending on the model phone you use, you should set up a new PIN and/or use the fingerprint lock or facial recognition, if available.

The bottom line though, if you have to go through all of those steps just so you can look at social media sites safely—you should not be with this guy. He’s crossed a lot of hard boundaries! If he doesn’t trust you, there’s no reason why you should put yourself through all this stress—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hey Hilary—He’s On The Phone Again

I never thought I would be writing to anyone for advice, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. My Japanese boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I used to think we had a great relationship, but now I’m not so sure. He started out being so attentive and caring, but things have really gone wrong.

He’s constantly on his phone. He looks at it while we’re at restaurants, he takes it to the bathroom with him, and even takes it into the shower too. He still looks at it even when we’re holding hands and walking together, too. I have to make sure he doesn’t walk out into traffic because he would otherwise.

I don’t know if he’s just doomscrolling social media, either. He types sometimes, other times he smiles at the screen, and a couple of times I caught him making short videos of himself. He won’t share what he’s looking at even if I ask, and if I try to sneak a peek, he shuts the screen off and tells me it’s personal. I know phone addiction is a thing, but is it that, or is he cheating? How should I confront him about this?

—Phone Sick

Dear Phone Sick,

I can understand the frustration you must be feeling. No one wants to spend time with someone who ignores their very existence, especially not if you become their de facto guide so they can pay more attention to their phone.

Phubbing VS Phone Addiction

Phubbing is the term used to describe ignoring one’s partner or friends and focusing on phone use instead. This can happen among groups of friends or between couples on dates. While the person on their phone might not see anything wrong with this, the ignored partner is often left feeling an emotional disconnect and lower overall satisfaction with the relationship.

Phone addiction, on the other hand, is a behavioral addiction centered on the obsessive use of a smartphone. While people’s lives do tend to be oriented around their phones, the boundary between “normal use” and addiction isn’t based on the amount of time or usage, but their behavior when denied access to their phone.

Symptoms of phone addiction include lying about how much they use it, not being able to be alone without it, reaching for it immediately when bored, and anger or irritation if their phone use is interrupted.

Another warning sign is an inability to walk or do other activities without having their phone on in some capacity. The Japanese term  “○○ながら” (‘something’ nagara) means “while doing [something]” and has become shorthand to refer to people doing an activity while on their phones. You mentioned having to act as his guide because of his phone use. 

From my perspective, it does sound more like a phone addiction than him phubbing you. Not that that’s very reassuring, I’m sure. What is more concerning, however, is the fact that he’s hiding the phone from you.

Adultery

Shutting off your screen and telling people something is personal in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, repeatedly doing so, keeping your phone constantly with you, smiling at the screen, and typing at odd hours or more than usual are all classic red flags of adultery.

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Has he always been secretive about his phone? 
• Have you ever been allowed to look at it before? 
• Does he get angry or defensive when you ask to see his phone? 
• Is your partner spending less time with you, or does he suddenly seem busier than usual with friends or work? 
• What is your gut telling you?

The last question may be the hardest of all, as it means facing the possibility that he has been cheating on you for some time and hiding it in plain sight. There are several ways to handle this, of course, and the option you choose is entirely up to you.

First, you can ghost him. 

Not in the traditional sense, but rather you withdraw from the relationship, essentially. He’s been ignoring you and your presence in favor of his phone and whatever he’s doing on there, so why give him access to you any longer? Avoid texting or calling him as often, and refrain from sharing your news with him. Instead, make plans to do other things or spend time with friends rather than him. Make making yourself happy the priority, and you’ll start to see positive changes in yourself.

Whether he’s addicted to his phone or cheating or both, he will either not notice or notice too late. You’ll have your answer: you weren’t a priority to him, and that’s his loss, not yours.

Your second option is to confront him directly. 

If you choose this route, you must be prepared for what a direct confrontation can entail. I don’t know you or your partner, but doing this in a public place tends to keep people from reacting with the level of vehemence they might in private.

I would start by asking him to put his phone down, then telling him how you feel, and that you suspect him of cheating on you. How he reacts is entirely up to him, but how you perceive his response will tell you everything you need to know. Whether he comes clean about cheating, tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong, or gives you his phone and/or proves his innocence, he has still been guilty of ignoring you in favor of his phone.

I think you yourself already know what you would like to do, but understandably, you would want outside validation of your feelings as well. Just remember, you don’t deserve to be ignored or cheated on, and you should never have to beg for attention from someone who claims to be your partner—best of luck!

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hi Hilary—Wouldn’t Co-Sleeping Make Sexless Marriages Worse?

I’m an American woman in Japan. I saw this on Reddit and was wondering: why do Japanese people insist on co-sleeping with their kids? Like I’ve seen entire families sharing a bedroom in movies and TV shows. I heard of other people sharing a futon with their kids instead of their spouse until the child is nearly in middle school. Sexless marriages are already such a huge thing in Japan; doesn’t that make it worse?

—Why Japanese People

Why Japanese People,

I’ve wondered about this myself for years, but never really researched it until now. I’ve never heard of anyone sharing a futon with their kids until middle school, but I’ll take your word for it that it exists. I think that is an entirely different issue than co-sleeping, however.

Co-sleeping overseas is a hot topic for parenting groups, doctors and so on. In Japan, as many as 70% of Japanese infants and toddlers co-sleep with their parents. It’s been a tradition in Japan for as long as anyone can tell. Some studies have indicated that Japan’s overall low Sudden Unexplained Infant Death (SUID) rate is related to co-sleeping, although this is up for debate.

Soine (co-sleeping) is traditionally done in kawa no ji, or the shape of “川” (the character for river): mother on one side, baby in the middle, father on the other side. It’s meant to promote feelings of security and contentment between the mother and child, and hopefully the father as well.

Practically speaking, the main reason for co-sleeping in the modern era is related to housing.

Most younger families start out in very small apartments where you might only have one bedroom for everyone. If there are two bedrooms, sometimes the mother moves into the baby’s room to keep an eye on them through the night and to prevent disturbances from disrupting the father’s sleep.

Co-sleeping is also considered a good option in case of emergencies, such as earthquakes. Some parents I know found that they went back to sleeping as a family in the post 3/11 years because they were worried about their kids’ safety. Others found it was better to co-sleep as a family because it helped to keep everyone’s anxiety down.

“We pretended we were camping or would watch movies together as a way to unwind at the end of the day.” (American woman, 30s)

However, as you pointed out, having the entire family sleep in the same room is a good way of ensuring that mom and dad do not create new siblings for the infant. Or is it?

Apparently not.

“I don’t think it has any correlation.” (Japanese man, 30s)

Within the Japanese-only and mixed ethnicity couples I spoke to, the vast majority of them pointed out that they have showers, cars and love hotels in order to meet their needs.

“It’s more about planning to have sex and making it a priority instead of a thing that just happens.” (Australian woman, 30s)

“Taking my wife to a love hotel reminded us about our dating lives. I think that’s how we ended up with five kids.” (Japanese man, 40s)

“If you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s not the kids or co-sleeping that caused it” (American woman, 40s).

“Even without kids, some people just stop being interested in sex at a certain point. It’s up to the couple to figure it out.” (Japanese woman, 30s)

There are dozens of reasons that marriages can turn sexless.

Immediately after pregnancy, most women struggle with pain, hormone fluctuations, body image, childcare and scores of other issues that may make having any intimacy uncomfortable, if not a source of stress.

Men, too, can experience hormone changes and stress that may make them less inclined to be interested in sex. Those struggles don’t get better once the pregnancy ends. If the couple isn’t in sync regarding parenting and a number of other points, sex is typically the first thing to go.

Co-Sleeping ≠ Sexless Marriages?

© Photo by iStock: miya227

Older generations and people coming from traditional backgrounds have claimed that when a wife becomes a mother, she no longer has any interest in sex or that motherhood has made her no longer someone to have sex with.

This has been used as an excuse for extra-marital affairs for generations. However, it does not seem to be working with younger people.

“If all you wanted was sex, why bother marrying someone and having kids with them? That’s just dumb.” (Japanese man, 20s)

Younger generations, in general, do not have children, but those who do and have co-slept with their kids don’t see co-sleeping as a barrier between the couple.

“We’d whisper to each other over the baby while they sleep, and sometimes we’d go to the other room to be together.” (Japanese man, 30s)

Even couples who married much later and had children later don’t see co-sleeping as a barrier to intimacy.

“It was a struggle and we went sexless for a while, but we talked about it and when we were both in a better place, it was like our honeymoon all over again.” (Japanese woman, 50s)

Co-sleeping might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and turns a relationship sexless, but it’s not the only reason. Generally speaking, a lack of communication and effort by one or both parties brings a couple to that state.

There is no one perfect solution to the issue. Just as there are scores of factors that can cause a couple to end up sexless, it’s not co-sleeping that causes it.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Dear Hilary—I am getting older in Japan.

I’m a woman in my late forties, divorced with no kids. I’ve been living in Japan for most of my adult life. I’m starting to feel left behind, unseen and out of my league, if that makes any sense. I’m getting older in Japan, and I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. Can you give me any insight?

—Aging With Dignity

Dear Aging With Dignity,

It’s understandable that you would feel that way. Here’s a fun/random fact: as of the end of 2024, there were more than 230,000 foreign residents aged 65 or older in Japan. Japan is aging, and so is its foreign population. Things like pensions, retirement age and how to live in Japan beyond working age are topics of conversation among many people in their thirties and forties.

For many people in their late forties, it can feel like the world isn’t made for them anymore. Pop culture has moved in new directions that don’t seem to fit who you are. Fashion has looped around back to what you wore as a young teen or university student. You might find yourself feeling cut off from that side of life in general.

Add in the fact that you live in Japan and are, therefore, further removed from your peer group. It’s only natural to feel “left behind, unseen and out of your league,” as you said.

Aside from navigating perimenopause or menopause in Japan, you’re also approaching retirement age. A lot of foreigners in Japan struggle with depression or social isolation, and this only seems to get more difficult for everyone with age.

First of all, recognize that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.

It happens to all of us eventually. It’s how you deal with those feelings that matters.

Some wisdom on this topic can be found in an age-old Japanese concept, and one that became globally popular a few years ago: ikigai, or finding one’s purpose. In short, ikigai is what makes getting out of bed in the morning worth it to you.

It could be your work, your hobby, exercise or simply wanting to listen to music and chill out before you deal with the day. Whatever it is, if you can find that and make sure that you do take that time for yourself, you’ll feel a lot better about going forward with your day.

I’m sure that to many, it can sound like some silly concept, and that’s true for Japanese people, too. Putting the ikigai concept into practice takes effort.

“Finding your ikigai sounds like such an old person thing. For a long time, I figured it was something that only people who had that much free time on their hands could bother with. Old people are always taking trips, joining new hobbies, going out to see museums and so on. Now I’m old and I get it. Living for work was terrible. Now I have friends, I go out, I eat better. I like living” (Japanese, 60s).

Is it easy to find your ikigai? No. Is it hard to find your ikigai? Also no.

It all depends on the energy you want to put into the process.

I’m not sure how you would categorize yourself in terms of intro- or extroversion, but one of the main things you can do to help yourself find purpose in life is getting out and seeing the bigger world around you. That doesn’t necessarily mean travelling abroad or even domestically. Going for walks and finding new things in your neighborhood can really help shift your perspective on life. Some friends of mine did this and ended up finding and joining a local meet-up group, despite not being fluent in Japanese.

You mentioned being divorced but nothing about being in a relationship. If you are interested in finding a new partner, you can also do that by going out and trying new things. Meet-cutes aren’t limited to movies or young people, after all.

You might also be thinking about moving back to your home country.

I’m not sure where you’re from, but if you do want to move back, you should look into your pension/social insurance system there and see if it is connected to or has any agreements with Japan’s system. While I’m by no means an immigration lawyer, there are a number of factors you’ll need to consider and things to take care of aside from moving itself.

If you are considering moving back to your home country, that’s certainly an option, and many people take it even after they’ve lived in Japan for many years. That being said, you may also have your reasons for wanting to stay in the country. It’s a very personal, albeit difficult decision to make, and no one can or should make it for you.

Just remember that you’ve navigated plenty of tough decisions so far in life, so I’m certain you’ll come to the right conclusion for you. Mood follows action, so try to take actions that will make you feel the way you want to feel. Best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hey Hilary—How do I address issues of stinky body odor with my Japanese boyfriend?

I’m not sure how to be polite about this, but my boyfriend (Japanese, 30s) has started to stink this summer. I know it’s hot and sweaty for everyone, and I’m sure I don’t always smell my freshest, but this is just wrong. It only started this summer, too. His body odor never bothered me before. Now, sometimes I find myself nearly retching when he comes over after being outside.

I had to throw away a pillow on my sofa because it absorbed that smell. No amount of washing or fabric spray made the smell go away. I’ve tried to bring up things like antiperspirants, deodorants, or even cologne to him before, and he says he uses them, but whatever he uses doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

Is it just this summer that’s made it worse, or what? How do I talk to him about how bad he smells without breaking up with him in the process? 

—Smell Harassed

Dear Smell Harassed,

This summer has been eye-opening for many people in terms of how sweaty they can be and still survive. Unfortunately, it’s also made traveling by train feel like scent torture.

Being sweaty is one thing, but any changes to diet can also impact how someone smells. Gaining or losing weight, stress, what fabrics you wear, and so on can also impact how someone smells. There are as many ways to smell as there are people on the planet.

It’s often been stated that East Asians don’t have any noticeable body odor because of a genetic variation, but that isn’t entirely true. While it’s thought that 80-90 percent of East Asians carry the ‘non-stinky’ ABCC11 gene, studies have found that this mainly applies to South Korean populations, not to East Asians in general.

Studies conducted at Tokai University have also shown that skin gas, which is composed of over 300 substances, contributes to body odor. These include the compounds that cause foot odor (isovaleric acid), diacetyl (common in men in their 30s and 40s) and oxidized skin oil—often referred to as “old person smell” or 加齢臭 (kareishu; “aging odor”) in Japanese.

Middle-Aged Man Smell

© Photo by iStock: yamasan

Given that your boyfriend is in his 30s, it could be that what you’re smelling is the ‘middle-aged man’ smell. As much as you might not want to remember it, try to categorize the scent.

If it’s a musty scent that reminds you of old or expired cooking oil or butter, and you notice it mainly from his head or back, then that could be diacetyl that you’re smelling. Women in particular are more negatively affected by this scent, according to studies by Mandom, a Japanese personal care brand.

In that case, there are special ‘middle-aged man’-specific shampoos, conditioners and body soaps that target those problem areas. With prolonged use, these products can reduce or even eliminate those odors completely.

If it’s not that sort of scent, then I would strongly suggest you have your boyfriend see a doctor. Sudden changes in body odor or how much or how little someone sweats can be a sign of serious illness.

What has your boyfriend’s mental state been like recently?

Has he seemed withdrawn or depressed? If so, then it could be natural body odor due to neglecting his own hygiene that you’re smelling. If he’s not feeling up to regularly showering or laundering his clothes, that could also be impacting the way he smells.

While it can be embarrassing to bring up body odor to a partner, framing it as a concern for their health is probably your best course of action. As you stated in your email, their smell never bothered you before, but you think it’s changed recently, and that worries you.

Suppose he has been depressed or feeling a lot of stress. Helping him find ways of coping with and working through things could get him back to smelling like himself again. One suggestion that might help is to offer to bathe together. The intimacy and vulnerability that bathing brings out in both people can help alleviate stress. It might be a good baby step towards addressing the body odor issue overall.

I would not mention that pillow, nor would I accuse him of not using deodorants, etc. Your best bet is to focus on the fact that you noticed the change and think it needs addressing from a medical or more serious perspective. I wish you both the best of luck in resolving this issue.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Hi Hilary—I have a kink shaming boyfriend,

I read an article you wrote before about kink, and I wanted to get your perspective on my problem with my Japanese boyfriend. He’s very vanilla in bed, which I respect, but it’s not for me all the time. I’m into bondage (as a domme), and until we started dating, it was a big part of my sex life.

He said he was into kink, but when I try to talk to him about what his and my fantasies are, he shuts down completely. Or worse, he gets rude. He said my likes make me “not wife material.”

We had a stupid fight a few days ago and it’s making me reconsider the relationship. I was looking for a new leather belt for work, one I could wear over dresses. He flipped out when he saw what I was looking at, said I was sick for buying that sh** in front of him, and stormed out of my place. It was literally just an Amazon tab with a standard black fashion belt.

We haven’t seen each other in person since, and I’m kind of over this whole pretending to be vanilla thing. Should I try to be more understanding, or is this just how Japanese men are?

—Kink Shamed

Dear Kink Shamed,

The article you are talking about from the Ask Hilary series is “Unhealthy Relationship.” In that situation, the letter writer sustained injuries during non-consensual knife play at the hands of her partner. She was not into kink of any sort and ultimately had to take drastic measures in order to leave the situation safely.

Fortunately, that isn’t the case for you. You openly enjoy bondage and are comfortable with your identity as a domme—and that’s awesome! More people should be understanding and aware of their own kinks. As a friend of mine once said: “Why bother getting down if you don’t know what’ll really get you off?“

As with everywhere else in the world, Japanese people encompass a wide range of attitudes toward sexual openness, so to speak.

There are asexual/aromantic Japanese people, just as there are those who live in 24/7 BDSM lifestyles with multiple partners. It really depends on the person and (except in rare cases) isn’t something most people feel comfortable speaking about until the relationship has progressed to a certain extent.

One Japanese couple I know had been together for three years before they actually opened up to one another about a mutual kink, and now they engage in that lifestyle almost exclusively. From speaking to them and others who have embraced their kinks, it’s more of a matter of building a high degree of mutual trust than it is a fear of sharing what turns them on.

While communication is definitely a part of it, there may be a lack of trust in your relationship that’s keeping him from openly sharing his interests. People are allowed to like or dislike different acts and behaviors in the bedroom. In a relationship built on mutual trust, they have faith that their partner won’t do anything to truly hurt them or force them to do something that they don’t want to do.

Clear consent is a key part of any kink, after all.

Given the various safety and health concerns that some forms of kink include, absolute trust in your partner is vital and not likely something that can happen in a few months or even a year of a relationship.

It can also be hard to find a serious partner with whom you can engage in that kind of relationship. Most users of mainstream Japanese dating websites and apps don’t tend to mention it—period.

Sure, you might find a few people that will put key terms like ドＳ (dom/domme) or ドＭ (sub/little) in their profiles, however, what one person deems dominant could be seen as barely above vanilla by another, so even these terms can be hard to sort out without some deeper discussion and trust-building first.

“The way people react [to those terms] makes you feel like some kind of criminal, like you’re going to abuse and ruin a potential partner’s life” (Japanese man, 40s).

“You get freaks messaging you about how they’ll force you to do XYZ, or else” (Japanese woman, 30s).

“People throw around words like ‘slut’ and ‘hentai’ [pervert] if you so much as show a bra strap in a photo—it’s ridiculous” (Japanese woman, 20s).

In your case, your boyfriend claims to be into kink, but doesn’t make any effort to share or explain what that means to him.

While this could be a language issue, I get the impression it has more to do with him not being prepared to share that side of himself. He might have a vague idea or even an extensive playlist of porn that clearly shows what he likes. However, he’s not comfortable enough—either with himself or with you—to put that into words. Further, when asked, he lashes out. He’s being exceedingly immature and rude, regardless of his reasons for not sharing.

One of the larger red flags in your message is his saying you’re not “wife material” because you’re sexually adventurous/a domme. That tells me that, probably on a deeper level than even he is aware of, his image of a wife is someone who is either completely submissive or is “proper” in the eyes of society.

He might hope that he can turn you back into a non-kink interested person by not engaging in any kink-related discussions. In which case, you need to consider whether you’re willing to lose that side of yourself for him. If not, then you need to let him know.

Essentially, there are two options available to you:

Sit Down & Discuss

Try to have a discussion with your boyfriend about what his kinks are, and see if those can line up with yours. This will mean putting some pressure on him to actually address the topic instead of lashing out or shaming you. Given his reaction to that belt experience, however, it seems like too much of a hot-button issue for either of you to approach. You could let things quiet down for a few days and then try to discuss them, but be aware that he could blow up again or continue to insult you no matter what.

His reactions aren’t your fault. If he isn’t capable of having a mature discussion about his own sexuality or sexual likes and dislikes, that’s on him. If that is the case, then you have your answer. It might not be a pretty situation, but it could be better in the long term for both of you.

Move On

If you’re already reconsidering the relationship, you could just cut your losses and move on without having that discussion. He’s already avoided seeing you for a few days, and I assume you haven’t been texting that often either, so if you’re truly ready to move on, this is the time to do it.

He is perfectly welcome to his own opinions and disinterest in participating in your kink. Still, if he’s berating you and equates buying a leather belt for work with wearing bondage gear, then there might not be much point in staying with him. Go out and find someone who’s into your fabulous domme self. Good luck!

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Dear Hilary—My Ex Wants To Reconnect

To make a very long story short, I dated a Japanese guy for two years while we lived in [redacted] for university. We broke up because we wanted different things at the time. He stayed in North America, and I had a career opportunity that took me to Europe. After a few years, that turned into a better opportunity in Japan. A week ago, I got a message from him via social media. He said that he’s back permanently in Japan now, and noticed that I was here too, and wondered if I’d be interested in meeting up.

We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in about 10 years, but when I got the message from him, I felt excited. I looked at his profile, and he seems like he’s doing great. A big part of me is interested in catching up, but I’m not sure what prompted him to reach out. I’m single, not interested in having children, and still focused on my career. I don’t know what he wants or expects from us meeting again after so long. What should I do? 

—Gone Not Forgotten

Hey Hilary—My Cheating Ex Wants To Reconnect

I broke up with my ex six months ago after he cheated on me. We were together for a year, and he cheated for four months of that, as far as I know. He said he cheated because he wanted to see what it would be like to date a Japanese woman (he’s Japanese, but he only ever dated foreigners, he said). He made a new account and started sending me messages on Instagram and tried to add me on WhatsApp too. I’m not dating anyone right now, so I could give him another chance, but I don’t know if that’s me being lonely or what.

—He’s Back

Dear Gone Not Forgotten and He’s Back,

I’ve decided to combine your letters into one response as they touch on very similar themes: a Japanese ex wants to reconnect.

While it’s not unusual for an ex to reappear in your life, for some reason, it seems to happen a lot more often in Japan. Off the top of my head, I can think of six women I know personally who have gotten messages from exes within the last four months, so that should give you some idea of the frequency.

Generally speaking, there are three ways of dealing with an ex-reappearing in your life: 

• Ignore
• Interrupt
• Invite

Ignore

Ignore is the simplest option. Screenshot and then delete the message they sent, block whatever account they messaged you from, and continue living your best life without giving them another thought.

Interrupt

Interrupt is the second easiest. Reply to their message with a polite but firm “not interested,” and then if they reply or get pushy, screenshot, delete and block.

Why Screenshot?

© Photo by iStock: mapo

To protect yourself in the rare, but not unheard of, instance where said ex becomes a stalker. You’ll need copies of those messages to make your case with the police if you need to get a restraining order.

Invite

The last option is the most complicated and likely hardest: Invite. If you invite your ex back into your life, you leave yourself vulnerable in one way or another.

Choosing to hear out what an ex might have to say, especially in person, leaves you vulnerable to any lingering feelings you may have towards them. Those feelings can sometimes cloud your judgment and may make you view your past relationship as being better than it was, or, on the other hand, it can make an otherwise good relationship look worse than it was.

How you feel that day, what sort of condition your hormones are in and how satisfied you are with other aspects of your life—all of that can impact how you see your ex and influence how you view whatever happens while speaking with them.

Dear Gone Not Forgotten,

You’ve been apart for 10 years, and from your message, you broke up because you had different life plans. You might want to take the risk and see him to find out what his reason for messaging you was.

It could simply be that he wants to catch up as friends, and that’s why he messaged you. The fact that you were excited to hear from him says that you still care about him (even just as a friend). It could be his way of testing the waters to see if you and he align in terms of life goals now. You won’t really know until you communicate with one another.

If you do meet with him, don’t go into it with any preconceived notions about his reasons or expectations of/for you. Meet up in a public place, take it at face value, and you’ll feel more comfortable about seeing him. It could be a meeting that provides closure, turn into a great friendship or be a meet-cute between you two—whatever it is, let it happen naturally.

Dear He’s Back,

In your case, I strongly recommend screenshotting everything and ignoring your ex. Don’t reply to his messages or pay him any attention. He already proved that he can and will cheat on you once. Why would you want to let him possibly do it a second time?

I understand that you’re feeling lonely, but if you let him use your loneliness against you, you’re not going to be happy in the long term. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, not someone who cheated because he wanted to try something different. He may have only messaged you because he didn’t get anywhere with the woman he cheated on you with. He’s probably lonely and thinks that if he plays his cards right, he can get you back because you’re in a similar state emotionally. Loneliness is temporary, and you shouldn’t lower your standards just to alleviate said loneliness. Remember that a good partner will make you a priority, not an option.

To Gone Not Forgotten and He’s Back, I wish you both luck. I’m hoping for the best for both of you.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Dear Hilary—My Coworkers Are Idiots

I began working at a new company in January. Before that, I had been at my previous job (ever since I came to Japan) for eight years. I loved that role, but there was no more room to grow, so I moved to a bigger company in the same industry.

I’m struggling with my new work environment, but my work itself is not the problem. My coworkers directly and indirectly cause my issues. I have Japanese and foreign coworkers, and one of each of them is an absolute idiot.

One, an American man, is chronically late with deadlines and can’t be trusted to write documents correctly.

Even when they’ve been outlined in a “fill-in-the-blank” style for him, we have to go over every single document he makes because of errors and inappropriate content. For some reason, he thinks it’s okay to write in text speak in his reports. We can’t even let him email people outside the office. He’s that rude.

My Japanese coworker only still has her job because other people constantly do her work for her.

If no one is around or available to do her job for her, she uses an AI program. She leaves the mistakes for everyone else to check. The only thing she’s good at is talking to clients, and that’s because she fobs the actual work talk off onto the rest of us.

Every week, there’s something new with one or both of them. The rest of the team I joined is used to taking up the slack for both of them. Everyone complains about them behind their backs, though, of course. I want to report both of them to HR and try to see if something can be done. However, one of my coworkers told me it wouldn’t do much good. What do you think I should do?

—Over It

Dear Over It,

I don’t envy your work circumstances. It sounds like you enjoy the industry you’re in, but if your work environment is as frustrating as your email implies, then you might come to resent it if things don’t improve.

As you said, one of your coworkers told you that making a report to HR “wouldn’t do much.” Unfortunately, they may be right.

If an employee works as a 正社員 (seishain; “permanent, full-time employee”), companies can do very little. It is exceptionally difficult, expensive and time-consuming to fire a permanent employee in Japan. In most cases, companies only move forward when keeping the so-called “bad employee” would cause more financial harm than letting them go.

Seishain can typically only be fired for:

• Significant performance issues
• Gross breaches of workplace rules
• Illegal activities (embezzlement, money laundering)
• Extreme business restructuring (though this depends on the company’s size and industry type)

For better or worse, there is no such thing as being made redundant in Japan.

The consequences of an unlawful dismissal on the employer’s side are heavy. Former employees can sue the company for lost wages, damage to their reputation or loss of income. Companies, in general, want to avoid that kind of bad press and the financial costs it entails, which is why seishain are harder to fire.

On the other hand, companies can dismiss contract, part-time and other non-permanent employees with relative ease. However, this again depends on the company and the hiring arrangement. For example, if another agency supplies contract workers, dismissing them before their contract ends could result in fines. The ease with which other types of employees can find themselves left without a job is best reserved for another article, but I digress.

According to your email, both of your coworkers would technically fall under the performance issue category.

Your company is responsible for determining the severity of the performance issues, as the employer bears the burden of proof. If the employee isn’t causing “enough” difficulty for the department or company as a whole, then it’s unlikely that they’ll be fired.

Judging from your description of them, your American coworker seems to be the more egregious of the two. If he cannot be trusted to email others or write reports using business-appropriate language, then he’s a potential liability to the company.

Your Japanese coworker, however, seems to have gamed the system already. She’s managed to get others to do her work but has made herself well-liked by the clients. Unfortunately, that makes her more appealing as an employee to keep around, despite the extra work it means for you and your coworkers.

That being said, if you want to report your coworkers to HR formally, you are well within your rights as an employee to do so. You might even sway HR into seeing how those employees are impacting the business by doing so. However, there are a few things to keep in mind before you make any reports.

Making A Report

© Photo by iStock: HRAUN

Record Everything!

As with all personnel-related concerns, documentation is everything. You’ll need to record specific details of the situation (including dates and times), if anyone else was involved, and of course, include copies of any emails, reports or documents that are relevant to the situation.

If your colleagues also wish to complain about the bad coworkers, that will help as well. The more reports you have, the stronger your case to your boss and HR will be. Also, in Japan in particular, the opinion of the majority holds a colossal amount more weight than that of a single person when it comes to complaints of this nature and/or convincing HR to act.

Speak To Your Supervisor/Boss

Once you have some evidence of these infractions, your next step is to speak to your boss or immediate supervisor. You can’t go directly to HR unless the problem lies with your boss. Given that most companies today have various programs in place to prevent all forms of harassment at work, for most situations, problems with a coworker can be handled at a supervisor level.

File A Formal Complaint To HR

If things don’t improve, or in fact worsen, after talking with your boss and having them speak to your coworkers, then you can file a formal complaint with HR. While every human resources department is different, most have their own procedures and plans for dealing with these matters. Some companies even offer mediation services if things reach that point, although it also depends on how your coworkers respond.

File A Formal Complaint To The Labor Standards Board

In some circumstances, you can also make a formal complaint to the Ministry of Health, Labor & Welfare’s Labor Standards Board. For example, if HR or your supervisor is unwilling or unable to address the issues with your coworkers and it starts to impact your ability to do your job severely, or if you’re afraid of retaliation from another employee, your supervisor or HR itself.

Basically speaking, once you’ve spoken with your boss, things are generally out of your hands. If there’s any escalation or retaliation, then of course you need to protect yourself (document everything!), but otherwise, leave dealing with the bad coworkers to your supervisor and HR.

I know this must be frustrating to hear, but if you are going to stick with this company, then do what you feel is most right for you in terms of your own career. And if you decide it’s time for a change instead, no shame in that either—keep an eye out on Savvy Tokyo’s sister site GaijinPot Jobs to see what else is out there—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”