Letters from Japan: “We’re Not Getting Married?”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Hi Hilary—We’re Not Getting Married?

I (28) met a Japanese guy (34) several months ago. On the third date at his place, he confessed his love and we became a couple. After three months of dating him, I wanted to know his opinion about marriage because I felt ready to marry him in the next two to three years.

He said he wouldn’t get married in his 30s, but maybe in his 40s. He explained that he wanted to quit his current job and start his own business, and as his new life wouldn’t be stable, he didn’t want to get married in his 30s. I told him that I didn’t care about money. I didn’t even need a ceremony; I’d work from next year, do chores and take care of the house. Basically, trying to show that I wouldn’t be a burden for him but instead a supporter.

But then he started to say things like, “I’m not comfortable living together,” and “our cultures are too different,” and that “[he] was probably not the marrying type.”

I apologized for bringing up marriage and he answered, “I can’t marry you in the next two to three years, so we should break up. Your time is too valuable to waste.” It seems like he made his mind up and then dumped me through text.

Do you think that I started talking about our marriage or future too soon? What does it mean if a guy says that he doesn’t want to marry in his 30s?

— Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. However, this is a great opportunity to learn from this experience and apply it to future relationships.

Were you only dating for three months in total? If so, that is way too early to be talking about marriage, regardless of how often you talk online. Closeness via text is no substitute for physically being present with one another. You brought up the topic of marriage when most couples are still getting used to being around one another. Most would still be learning about each other’s likes and dislikes. The most you should have asked is whether he “had ever thought about marriage” or “if he was looking to get married in the future” and left it at that.

Those are good general questions to ask if you want to see if you and he have similar ideas about the future (either as a couple or as a person in general). Instead, you took his answer and started giving a game plan for your future together and then giving compromises and what-ifs. Essentially, you told him that you were going to be part of his future regardless. It’s clear from the way he phrased his reply to you that he thought it was too much.

I’m not saying that having this kind of discussion isn’t important—but save it for when you have been dating for longer.

Neither of you is the bad guy here, but the approach you took to the situation was heavy-handed. If you are in a serious, exclusive relationship, and even if your partner has the same goals as you do, pushing someone to agree to marriage is a surefire way of scaring them off. If someone wants to be with you, marriage will naturally come up in conversation eventually. It will be plainly clear from how they behave around you and towards you.

In my experience, if a man says that he doesn’t see himself ever getting married, “isn’t the marrying kind” or otherwise doesn’t want that kind of commitment, there is absolutely nothing you can say or offer that will change his mind.

If you genuinely don’t care or aren’t in a hurry to get married, then your partner’s not caring won’t bother you. However, because you instantly tried to compromise/push him into marriage, it became very plain to him that you and he weren’t compatible. You both have very different goals for your futures, which is also why he apologized for wasting your time.

Another point that might have affected his decision to end the relationship is your career/financial status.

You said that you will work starting next year. Does that mean you aren’t working right now? If so, how are you supporting yourself? How sure are you that you will have that job and a proper visa in the new year?

If you don’t have a proper visa or career, his agreeing to marry you puts him on the hook for any and all of your expenses. This prevents him from being able to quit his job and start his own company. He would have to give up his own dream, which he is likely working very hard for right now, in favor of doing something he doesn’t really want to do.

Your list of compromises comes across as too intense and cringe-y, I’m sorry to say. Where is the practical benefit for him in that equation? You assume that he wants someone to do his chores and take care of his house. If he needed that, he could hire a maid service. His getting married wouldn’t make his life any easier, but it would make things easier for you.

Many women are guilty of seeing marriage as a box to tick off on some “perfect life” checklist.

Don’t find someone you think “makes sense” as a partner without thinking about what that person might want for their life. That’s a surefire way to end up with an unsatisfying relationship and probably a divorce (often sooner rather than later).

In the future, I think you should focus on finding someone who enriches your life come rain or shine. Someone who wants to be with you, experience things with you and has time to get to know you. The rest—marriage, the future, etc.,—will naturally fall into place. Who knows? Things might play out differently than you’ve imagined. They could even turn out to be so much more amazing than anything you’ve pictured.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”