Once you’ve been with someone for a while, your interactions can become routine. However, when you’ve been in a relationship for long enough, it’s easy to start taking your partner for granted. It doesn’t matter what ethnicity or gender your partner is; everyone can, in some way or another, forget that they’re supposed to love their other half. When that happens, issues start to crop up, which can lead to resentment, and especially for long-term couples in Japan, that can ultimately lead to sotsukon or divorce. Here are some things you and your partner can do to bring the spark back to your relationship.

Popular Relationship Rules

These rules are intended to give you and your partner guidance on how to spend time together and communicate more efficiently and meaningfully.

The 70-30 Rule

Some relationship experts believe that dividing the time you spend with your partner (outside of work hours) can not only help you but also build a stronger relationship. The idea here is to spend 70% of your time with your partner and 30% by yourself/with friends.

The 7-7-7 Rule

Have a date night every seven days, a weekend getaway every seven weeks and a longer, romantic vacation every seven months. This timeline is designed to provide structured opportunities for intentional quality time for a couple, and therefore to encourage intimacy, fun and rebuilding the connection between partners. Essentially, the goal is for both partners to make consistent, concentrated efforts to be together.

The 5-5-5 Rule

This is a mindfulness and communication tool that individuals and couples can use when conflicts arise. Basically, when faced with an issue, you pause and consider whether said issue will matter in five minutes, five days or five years. This way, you can shift your focus to what really matters, and de-escalate an argument if you’re speaking with your partner.

For some couples, keeping these rules in mind can do wonders for their relationship. For others, not so much, which is why there are other practices that people can put into place to rebuild their relationship.

Best General Practices

There are five general practices every couple should keep in mind in order to keep the spark alive in their relationship.

1. Communicate

While it seems obvious, it’s shockingly easy to make communicating with your partner perfunctory. Questions asked while staring at your phone screen, listing things that need doing/purchasing to one another, and otherwise sharing only the briefest of conversations is a death sentence to many relationships.

Couples in Japan, especially in relationships where there may be a somewhat of a language barrier, might find it easier to communicate via text. You could try writing letters to one another, or better yet, try your own version of a language exchange session. It doesn’t matter what language you speak together, so long as you both put in the effort to communicate. Sometimes studying together can be what gets a couple back in sync.

2. Be Considerate

Being polite is not the same as being considerate, and in many cases, people stop being considerate of one another after being in a relationship for a long time. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the garbage, telling them that you’re grateful for something they’ve done and otherwise acknowledging them can go a long way.

If you aren’t comfortable expressing things in words, then acts of service can help. Taking care of a task for them, running the bath for them or bringing them flowers or their favorite treat “just because” are some good places to start.

3. Keep Your Partner Involved

This should be obvious, but don’t shut your partner out of your life. “How was work today?” “Good.” Plenty of people are guilty of having these short, ultimately meaningless exchanges with their partners, and they aren’t a big deal—unless that’s all you share with your partner.

When both parties keep their personal details to themselves, the relationship can quickly break down into a roommate situation. Of course, some people are fine with a platonic or companionship-based relationship, but if that’s not what either of you wants, you need to open up and share more about your lives.

4. Change Things Up

As people grow older, their hobbies and interests will naturally change. For some couples, they discover that they don’t have as much in common with their partner as they once did. This is exceptionally common for retired couples, but it can happen at any age.

That doesn’t mean you’ve grown apart or that you’re no longer a good fit for one another. Unless the changes are extreme, you and your partner now have the opportunity to find new interests or hobbies to enjoy together.

There is no shortage of classes, trial lessons, events, or festivals in Japan at any given time of the year, and many are free to join. To find out what’s happening in Tokyo each month, check out this link.

5. Express Affection and Encourage Intimacy

Affection and physical intimacy are often the first things to disappear when a relationship takes a downward turn. It can be hard to make time or be interested in being affectionate or intimate when you’re working, taking care of kids or dealing with stress. Performance issues can also arise that make intimacy difficult, if not impossible, at times.

That does not mean you’re bound for a dead bedroom or sexless marriage. If anything, it’s an opportunity to remember what was so good about the honeymoon period in your relationship. For some couples in Japan, the best way to overcome a dead bedroom is to try to recapture that new couple feeling, even if the physical side of things is off the table at first. You could, for example, try having a monthly date with one another. 

Not that you need to go all out, either. Something as simple as a cheeky text message telling them you think they’re cute/sexy can do wonders. So can stopping to give your partner a peck on the cheek, holding their hand while grocery shopping, or giving them a genuine compliment can turn that spark into a roaring flame all over again. There are plenty of ways (and lovely places!) to keep that flame burning too, especially in Japan.

Professional Help

What if nothing seems to be helping? Perhaps you’ve recognized that there’s a problem and your partner doesn’t see it. In either case, sometimes the best option for your mental health, and for the sake of your relationship, is to seek professional help.

There are numerous options for individual and couples’ counseling in Tokyo. For more information on finding a counselor, please take a look at this article.

Keeping the spark alive takes effort from both partners, and it doesn’t happen overnight. If you can be patient and understanding with one another, eventually you’ll find your way again.

Do you have any advice for long term couples in Japan? Share them with us in the comments!

There may be times in a person’s life when they need someone to talk to, and for many residents or expats seeking counseling in Tokyo, that moment can feel especially daunting. While friends, family and advice columns are all options, sometimes you need to hear an unbiased, professional opinion on a matter. Sometimes, the situation or emotions you’re experiencing are far too personal, too uncomfortable or perhaps even borderline illegal for anyone within your personal life to truly help with. It happens.

Talking to a professional is important. More people should do it, in fact. Individual counseling can help with a lot of different issues, be they stress, bereavement or seasonal issues. However, when you live in another country, language and cultural barriers can make it feel nearly impossible. And if you’re looking for couples counseling when you and your partner come from different cultural backgrounds and may not fully understand each other’s languages, that’s an even bigger hurdle.

Fortunately, in the Tokyo area, numerous professionals offer their services in English and other languages as well. If you search for clinics in Tokyo, you’ll find several that come up repeatedly—but whether or not these specialists are any good is the next question. You can’t always trust online reviews, nor should you, especially when it comes to your own mental health or the health of a relationship.

It can also be hard to ask others about counseling or therapists. There’s still a lot of stigma attached to mental health in both Japan and overseas, which can make it difficult even to approach the subject. With that said, if you are in need, you should reach out and get it for your own sake. You deserve to be your best self, regardless of what a partner, family or society says.

English Language Clinics

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While this is not a comprehensive list, these are the most widely approved and recommended counseling services in the Tokyo area as endorsed by individuals and mixed-ethnicity couples, Japanese couples and foreign couples living in Japan (about 80 people and 100 couples over 15 years).

Details of their services, fees and availability are found on their websites.

Tokyo Mental Health

• Location(s): Tokyo, Okinawa
• Online: Available
• Languages: English
• Couples counseling: Currently suspended

Bonds Tokyo Counseling Service

• Location(s): Setagaya Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: English & Japanese
• Couples counseling: Available

Sky Counseling & Consultation Tokyo

• Location(s): Meguro Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: English & Japanese
• Couples counseling: Available

Aoyama Bright Life Counseling Clinic

• Location(s): Minami Aoyama
• Online: Available
• Languages: English, Japanese, & Polish
• Couples counseling: Available

TELL Counseling

• Location(s): Tokyo and Okinawa
• Online: Available
• Languages: English, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese, Spanish; flyers available in Bahasa Indonesian & Spanish
• Couples counseling: Varies

Individual Specialists

If you would prefer to find your own specialist, there are two services available:

• International Mental Health Professionals Japan
• Japan Healthcare Info

English Only, Online Only Services

There are also many counseling options available online. Three of the most recommended services for couples counseling are Better Help, Talk Space and ReGain.  Details of their services, fees and availability can be found on their websites.

As these are overseas-based services, you may need to book appointments at late night or early morning Japan time to get the most out of them.

Japanese Language Only Clinics

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There are scores of Japanese language-only clinics to choose from, as well, for both individual and couples counseling. However, they do expect you to be able to communicate at a native or near-native level of Japanese. You may be required to prove proficiency in Japanese or bring a translator with you, otherwise. For individual counseling in Japanese, it is recommended that you consult with your primary healthcare professional for recommendations, as you may need a referral to schedule an appointment.

Some ward offices also offer individual and couples counseling services. Ask at your local ward office if they have any of these services or if there are any counseling services available in your ward as well—these may be covered by Japanese National Insurance.

In terms of couples counseling specifically, some Japanese clinics also offer services for international couples. That being said, you are expected to be a near native-level Japanese speaker in order to participate. If you are not but would be more comfortable with a Japanese counseling clinic, you may be required to hire your own translator first. You’ll need to discuss this with the clinics beforehand, as each has its own rules and requirements regarding translation services as well as any associated fees.

Mejiro Sola Clinic

• Location(s): Mejiro Station
• Online: Based on needs/circumstances
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Available

Hiroo Stress Clinic Psychiatry

• Location(s): Minato Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Available

Fufu Mondai Sodanshitsu Forte (Fufu Forte)

• Location(s): Shinjuku Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Only service provided

Domestic Violence & Other Helplines

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Sometimes the kind of help people need requires professional, perhaps police, assistance. If you are the victim of domestic violence or aren’t sure and want to talk to someone to get a better understanding of your situation, there are also ways to get help.

The Domestic Violence Hotline Plus is a phone, email and live chat service that began in response to the shocking increase in reported domestic violence incidents during the pandemic lockdowns. The helplines are available 24 hours a day. Telephone and email consultations are Japanese only, but chats are available in English, Chinese, Korean, Indonesian, Spanish, Portuguese, Tagalog, Thai and Vietnamese. Select the language that you require at the top of their homepage and follow the instructions provided.

Victims of sexual violence should consult the Sexual Violence Relief Center Tokyo (SARC) as soon as possible, as they can help you with the police and any medical needs on a 24-hour basis. 

The Yorisoi Hotline is a service dedicated to Japan’s foreign community, offering assistance with a range of issues, including visa concerns, domestic violence and international trafficking. This service is available in Japanese, English, Tagalog, Korean, Chinese, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai, Vietnamese, Nepali, Indonesian and other languages, although availability varies.

And, of course, if you need someone to talk to, TELL Lifeline is also available.

Finding the right kind of help can be challenging when you live abroad, but hopefully, with this counseling in Tokyo guide, you have a better idea of where to start.

It’s been three long years since I met my Japanese husband’s parents, but the memory remains fresh in my mind. When we met his parents in Nara, I vividly recall feeling nervous yet excited at the same time. As much as I wanted to make a great first impression, I didn’t want to come across as someone trying too hard. Fortunately, everything went smoothly despite the language barrier and cultural differences. While I cannot turn back the clock, I can certainly share some solid relationship advice. Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time.

While some of these might be universal, they carry particular importance in Japan. Let’s begin, shall we?

Bow When You First Meet Them

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When you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time, bow deeply and hold the position for at least three seconds. This gesture shows respect. As tempting as it may be, avoid going in for firm handshakes, kisses on the cheeks or warm bear hugs. These gestures are uncommon in Japan. Hence, to avoid offending or embarrassing anyone, bowing is a safe way to greet them.

Always Bring A Gift

It’s always a good idea to bring a gift along when meeting someone new. Remember, the present doesn’t have to be extravagant, but thoughtful and practical. Some safe gifting options are edible souvenirs, a bottle of sparkling wine or sake, a fruit basket or even a sweet handwritten note in Japanese.

Work On Your Chopsticks Skills

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It’s your chopstick skills that will take your future Japanese in-laws by surprise. If you have mastered them, you will earn plenty of brownie points. According to my husband’s relative, Japanese people secretly judge one’s education level by the way they use their hashi (chopsticks). Hence, practice at home first before meeting them.

Begin by picking up simple food items at first, such as sushi, carrot sticks, dumplings, sticky rice, sliced cheese and cold cuts. As you gain more confidence using chopsticks, try trickier food items, such as natto, peas, beans, nuts, grains and tofu. With practice, you will become a pro in no time!

Practice Speaking Japanese 

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Even if you don’t possess a Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) N1 certificate, simple conversational words and phrases will be enough to impress your partner’s parents right away.

You can improve your communication skills by setting an hour aside every day to listen to podcasts, talk with your partner in Japanese or watch anime and YouTube videos. Beginners will enjoy learning Japanese from YouTubers like Japanese Ammo With Misa and Learn Japanese With Puni Puni.

For more advice, check out our article on how to improve your Japanese.

Dress To Impress

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A polished, modest outfit will convey thoughtfulness and an awareness of cultural expectations in Japan. Try to dress elegantly and stylishly. Showing too much skin can be distracting and make the people around you feel uncomfortable. Avoid wearing V-neck blouses or mini dresses. Stick to smart casuals instead. Try embracing cardigans, blazers, trousers, black jeans, midi skirts and long-sleeved tops.

Dressing appropriately will help you start the relationship with their family on the right note.

Refrain From Displays Of Affection

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Indulging in PDA is a big no-no in Japan. Simply holding hands won’t get you into trouble, but you might get disapproving glances from the parents if you run your fingers through your partner’s hair, plant kisses all over their face or closely lean into them during conversations. Play it cool by keeping your distance and respecting your partner’s cultural boundaries.

Minimal Makeup For The Win!

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Did you know that the Japanese people value natural beauty over heavy makeup? The less makeup, the better the skin breathes and looks. When meeting your future in-laws, stick to soft tones in shades of nudes, pinks and browns.

5 Makeup Tips To Keep In Mind

1. Concealer is a better option than a full-coverage foundation for hiding blemishes. Fewer products will ensure a more natural look.
2. Red or coral lipstick colors can appear overpowering. Go for a neutral or pink lip tint or lipstick instead.
3. With mascara-coated lashes and well-groomed eyebrows, your eyes will stand out perfectly.
4. Keep your look monochromatic: opt for pink lids, lips and cheeks!
5. Add a little touch of blush on the apples of your cheeks for that fresh, flushed look.

Always Offer to Help!

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Whether it’s helping with the dishes or clearing the table after the meal, always be willing to offer help (even when it’s not asked of you). Most of the time, they won’t let you lift a finger. However, as a sign of courtesy and good upbringing, always offer help.

Last but not least, have fun with it. It’s natural to make mistakes a few times, but do not let that discourage you. As long as your words and actions come from a pure place, they will love and accept you.

If you find yourself in a bind, ask your partner for help or follow what everyone else is doing. There isn’t the slightest doubt in my mind that you’ll do amazingly well. Good luck!

In the early 2000s, Japanese writer Yumiko Sugiyama wondered what marriage in Japan would look like if couples could gain the freedom they desired without getting divorced. Her efforts culminated in her 2004 book, Sotsukon no Susume (Recommending the Graduation from Marriage), about the concept of sotsukon.

The word sotsukon is a combination of the Japanese words for 卒業 (sotsugyo; graduation) and 結婚 (kekkon; marriage). It’s used to describe a couple that stays legally married but lives their own life independent of their spouse.

To Western sensibilities, that may be a puzzling explanation. Isn’t marriage supposed to be two people living happy lives together in the first place?

The difference comes from the very strict roles traditionally prescribed to husbands and wives in Japanese marriages. As Sugiyama explained in an interview with CNN:

“In Japan, traditionally, the man is the head of the household. The wife lives under his financial support as a domestic worker.“

Fearing Hubby’s Retirement

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Most older Japanese women end up playing the role of maid or mother while their husbands dedicate themselves to work. This role is typically so hands-on that many husbands have no idea where their own underpants are stored. The wife would always supply them when needed. Consequently, many wives fear the day that their husbands retire from work and will require their services all day, every day.

This fear was reflected in one of the first surveys of public interest in sotsukon. It was conducted in 2014 by the architecture agency Interstation. 200 married Japanese women, ranging from their 30s to late 60s, were asked whether they were interested in eventually shifting to sotsukon. Of the 200 wives, 56.8% said they were.

When those women were then asked when they wanted to make that change, the most popular answer, at 35%, was when they are 60 to 65 years old—right in line with when their husbands are due to retire.

Why Do Wives Want Sotsukon?

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The reasons the respondents gave for wanting sotsukon typically reflected their desire to enjoy their lives, no longer subjected to the needs of their husbands and children. Some responses included:

“I want each of us to pursue our own dreams while we still have the good health to do so.”

“I want time to myself without the bother of having to report my actions to my husband.”

“Now that our children are adults, I want to do all the things that I’ve wanted to do, but held myself back from.”

“I want to be freed from housework.”

“I love my husband, but living together in the same house all the time, we take each other for granted. Living apart would make us appreciate and like each other more.”

The Different Styles Of Sotsukon

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One of the key aspects of sotsukon is its flexibility. Some couples continue to live in the same house but do their own cooking and cleaning like housemates. Others choose to live in separate homes but meet regularly for dates, to chat, or to help each other with work or chores.

Unlike divorce, sotsukon does not involve legal procedures. It makes it a cheaper, easier way to create space in a marriage. Couples can also easily return to their former lifestyle, and as old age approaches, it is reassuring to have a formal connection to someone who will help look after you when needed.

Women are generally more enthusiastic about sotsukon. A slightly more recent study, conducted by the Meiji Yasuda Research Institute, found that women view sotsukon more favorably than men. The survey was conducted online in June 2018 and answered by 12,000 Japanese men and women aged 40 to 64.

The Positive View

Across all age groups, both men and women had a majority of at least a somewhat optimistic view of the idea of sotsukon. The percentage rose from 51.5% for men aged 40 to 44 years old, to 61.4% for those aged 60 to 64. The figures for women started at 69.3% for those aged 40 to 44 and increased to 78.7% in the oldest group.

The high rates of these figures suggest that, while some of us will continue to have fulfilling marriages throughout our lives, most of us recognize that the expectations we have maintained will eventually no longer serve our best interests. You can either “graduate” to a new phase together or end the relationship.

The same survey also looked at the popularity of divorce and found it lagging far behind sotsukon. It asked married respondents if they had considered divorcing their partner when either of them retired. Among those with children, 19.6% of men said they had, while 28.1% of women said so. For those without children, 11.1% of men had considered a future divorce, while 13.3% of women had.

The Disadvantages

For sotsukon to be successful, couples need to be open and honest about what they want from the relationship. Finances are one particular area that needs to be predetermined. Will one person fund the other’s daily needs, or will they each pay their own? Who will pay off the home loan?

While divorce ensures particular financial rights to each party, and the civil code requires that a dependent spouse’s daily needs are taken care of, sotsukon relationships leave these decisions uncertain. It’s a good idea for couples seeking sotsukon to discuss these issues with a lawyer or financial advisor in advance to avoid any conflict later.

Furthermore, newfound space between couples has the potential to lead to new romances. Would that qualify as infidelity and lead to actual divorce?

Redefining Married Life

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Unlike divorce, sotsukon is for couples who want to maintain a connection. These couples typically still like each other, or they at least don’t dislike each other.

At first glance, cases of sotsukon, where a couple shares the same house, seem similar to the much older Japanese concept of 家庭内別居 (kateinai bekkyo), which means living apart within the same household. This is more for married couples who genuinely dislike each other but stay together for financial reasons. Some couples in this situation even set a schedule for kitchen and bathroom usage so they don’t accidentally run into each other. Others go the extra effort by renovating their house so the couple each have their own areas fit with a kitchen, bathroom and bedroom.

While that situation reeks of bad vibes, sotsukon is a positive idea that gives couples sufficient space to live the life they want without regrets and compromise. It’s a beautiful thing to give yourself and your partner.

Of course, married life shouldn’t stop anyone from living that way to begin with. However, in Japan, people take their social roles very seriously. Perhaps it’s necessary to maintain the social cohesion that we enjoy here. Internalized pressure to perform those roles the “right” way is very strong. It’s heartening that older generations are starting to teach Japan that the truly right way is one’s own way.

Have you heard of sotsukon before? What do you think of this kind of marriage arrangement?

Hi Hilary—Wouldn’t Co-Sleeping Make Sexless Marriages Worse?

I’m an American woman in Japan. I saw this on Reddit and was wondering: why do Japanese people insist on co-sleeping with their kids? Like I’ve seen entire families sharing a bedroom in movies and TV shows. I heard of other people sharing a futon with their kids instead of their spouse until the child is nearly in middle school. Sexless marriages are already such a huge thing in Japan; doesn’t that make it worse?

—Why Japanese People

Why Japanese People,

I’ve wondered about this myself for years, but never really researched it until now. I’ve never heard of anyone sharing a futon with their kids until middle school, but I’ll take your word for it that it exists. I think that is an entirely different issue than co-sleeping, however.

Co-sleeping overseas is a hot topic for parenting groups, doctors and so on. In Japan, as many as 70% of Japanese infants and toddlers co-sleep with their parents. It’s been a tradition in Japan for as long as anyone can tell. Some studies have indicated that Japan’s overall low Sudden Unexplained Infant Death (SUID) rate is related to co-sleeping, although this is up for debate.

Soine (co-sleeping) is traditionally done in kawa no ji, or the shape of “川” (the character for river): mother on one side, baby in the middle, father on the other side. It’s meant to promote feelings of security and contentment between the mother and child, and hopefully the father as well.

Practically speaking, the main reason for co-sleeping in the modern era is related to housing.

Most younger families start out in very small apartments where you might only have one bedroom for everyone. If there are two bedrooms, sometimes the mother moves into the baby’s room to keep an eye on them through the night and to prevent disturbances from disrupting the father’s sleep.

Co-sleeping is also considered a good option in case of emergencies, such as earthquakes. Some parents I know found that they went back to sleeping as a family in the post 3/11 years because they were worried about their kids’ safety. Others found it was better to co-sleep as a family because it helped to keep everyone’s anxiety down.

“We pretended we were camping or would watch movies together as a way to unwind at the end of the day.” (American woman, 30s)

However, as you pointed out, having the entire family sleep in the same room is a good way of ensuring that mom and dad do not create new siblings for the infant. Or is it?

Apparently not.

“I don’t think it has any correlation.” (Japanese man, 30s)

Within the Japanese-only and mixed ethnicity couples I spoke to, the vast majority of them pointed out that they have showers, cars and love hotels in order to meet their needs.

“It’s more about planning to have sex and making it a priority instead of a thing that just happens.” (Australian woman, 30s)

“Taking my wife to a love hotel reminded us about our dating lives. I think that’s how we ended up with five kids.” (Japanese man, 40s)

“If you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s not the kids or co-sleeping that caused it” (American woman, 40s).

“Even without kids, some people just stop being interested in sex at a certain point. It’s up to the couple to figure it out.” (Japanese woman, 30s)

There are dozens of reasons that marriages can turn sexless.

Immediately after pregnancy, most women struggle with pain, hormone fluctuations, body image, childcare and scores of other issues that may make having any intimacy uncomfortable, if not a source of stress.

Men, too, can experience hormone changes and stress that may make them less inclined to be interested in sex. Those struggles don’t get better once the pregnancy ends. If the couple isn’t in sync regarding parenting and a number of other points, sex is typically the first thing to go.

Co-Sleeping ≠ Sexless Marriages?

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Older generations and people coming from traditional backgrounds have claimed that when a wife becomes a mother, she no longer has any interest in sex or that motherhood has made her no longer someone to have sex with.

This has been used as an excuse for extra-marital affairs for generations. However, it does not seem to be working with younger people.

“If all you wanted was sex, why bother marrying someone and having kids with them? That’s just dumb.” (Japanese man, 20s)

Younger generations, in general, do not have children, but those who do and have co-slept with their kids don’t see co-sleeping as a barrier between the couple.

“We’d whisper to each other over the baby while they sleep, and sometimes we’d go to the other room to be together.” (Japanese man, 30s)

Even couples who married much later and had children later don’t see co-sleeping as a barrier to intimacy.

“It was a struggle and we went sexless for a while, but we talked about it and when we were both in a better place, it was like our honeymoon all over again.” (Japanese woman, 50s)

Co-sleeping might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and turns a relationship sexless, but it’s not the only reason. Generally speaking, a lack of communication and effort by one or both parties brings a couple to that state.

There is no one perfect solution to the issue. Just as there are scores of factors that can cause a couple to end up sexless, it’s not co-sleeping that causes it.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Everyone knows that death is inevitable. If you are married to a Japanese national and living in Japan, then there may come a time when you lose your spouse. Losing a partner in Japan can happen after a long illness, old age, or something very sudden and unexpected. Calling it an unpleasant experience is putting it extremely mildly. Grief takes a novel rather than an article to describe adequately.

I’ve lost a partner, and I’ve known several people, Japanese and foreign, who have lost a spouse/partner as well, both in Japan and while living abroad. How was the experience? Well, in short:

“It sucks. You lose everything in no time at all, and nothing is ever going to be the same again. Does it get better? I mean, it gets less bad with time, but that’s not really encouraging” (Sarah, 59).

The Emotional & Physical Toll

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Grief is a total body experience. Emotionally, you may be numb, sad, lonely or struggle with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. Or any combination of the above at the same time.

Physically, grief causes sleep disturbances (too much or too little), a weakened immune system and an increased risk of heart problems (Broken heart syndrome). The stress of a loss, especially of a partner, can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which can increase or worsen your health as well.

Many people have experienced loss while living overseas away from their families. Grieving as an expat has its own layers of isolation, to say nothing of the logistical challenges or impact that cultural differences can have.

What about grieving the loss of a partner while living in another culture?

“There are so many rules you have to follow with funerals in Japan that it helped me grieve in the short term. People could tell me what to do, what I had to wear and that made it easier. Until it didn’t, then I was a train wreck. It hasn’t been easy, but I found talking about it [in a support group] has made it more tolerable” (Jean, 43).

As unimaginable as it might sound, there will come a time when grief doesn’t hit you as hard as it once did. The complicated mix of feelings eases, and eventually, you may feel like your old self again. However, this isn’t always the case.

Complicated grief, also known as persistent complex bereavement disorder, essentially means that the painful emotions of grief are so severe and long-lasting that you struggle to recover and resume your own life.

“My mother [Japanese] couldn’t function after my father [American] died. She tried to take her own life, and I had to put her in a hospital to get treatment. She’s still struggling, but doing a little better. I started going to counseling after she was hospitalized, too” (Maya, 33).

If you are still in intense grief and unable to move forward even in the slightest, a year after your loss, please seek help. There are always places to turn to for help with your mental health. For more information, please see this article on counseling in Japan.

Death & Work

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Japanese employers must provide their full-time employees with bereavement leave, or ‘condolence leave’ kibiki kyuka (忌引休暇). That being said, they are not required to provide said leave to anyone working part-time, on a short-term contract or as a dispatch or temp worker.

The amount of leave you’ll be given depends on your relationship to the deceased. If you are a partner, you will be given five days. You can get an additional two days if you are in charge of organizing the funeral. Any other leave will either have to be negotiated or used as paid/unpaid time off.

Five days. A business week. That doesn’t sound like much, and it isn’t for most people.

“When my wife died, I powered through and went back to work, but I didn’t care anymore. I was already old enough to retire, and so I did. I had to—I wanted to do what we couldn’t instead. Our kids were glad to have more time with me. I think it helped us all to grieve” (Keith, 68).

The Practical Aspects Of Loss

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They say that “nothing is certain except death and taxes,” and both involve more than their fair share of paperwork.

“I had no idea what to do when my wife died. She handled everything in terms of paperwork for us for so many years. I didn’t know where anything was or what kind of Buddhist my wife was until her older brother explained where their parents’ grave was” (Alan, 71).

There are a number of steps involved when reporting the death of a partner, which have been covered more in depth here. What bears repeating, however, is that any foreigner married to a Japanese partner will have extra requirements to meet. Failure to do so can and will lead to many more complications that no one should have to deal with while grieving such a deep loss.

Contacting & Reporting

You have to contact your local immigration office within two weeks of the death if your partner is a Japanese national. For most foreigners married to Japanese nationals, your status in Japan is a  ‘Spouse or Child of Japanese National’ visa, and, as cruel as it sounds, their death effectively cancels your visa status. 

When reporting to the immigration office, you will need to submit a 配偶者に関する届出 (haigusha ni kansuru todoku; “Notification of Spouse”), your passport, your residence card, your spouse’s death certificate, proof of your spouse’s Japanese nationality and your marriage certificate.

Upon their death, you have two options: to remain in Japan or to move back to your country of origin. If you wish to leave, you have up to six months to stay in Japan and take care of the inheritance process, etc.

Staying in Japan After Loss

If you intend to remain in Japan, however, you will need to submit a 在留資格の変更 (zairyushikaku no henko; “Change of Status of Residence”) form as well as the documents mentioned above.

Failure to submit this document can mean your visa is revoked or denied. If, for any reason, your visa status change isn’t granted, you might be given a ‘Designated Activities’ temporary visa (特定活動ビザ; tokuteikatsudo biza) so that you can deal with the estate and prepare to move overseas.

Hopefully, you will not experience losing a partner in Japan and the struggles that accompany it for many, many years to come.

Congrats! You’ve been chosen as a special guest for someone’s big day. Yet, you stand there puzzled, Japanese wedding invitation in your hands, sweat dripping off your forehead, wondering how different the experience will be from what you’ve seen back home and whether you’ll be able to pass through all formalities with grace and style in this culturally rich land of emotions. Well, wipe that sweat, start reading and get ready to celebrate your Japanese wedding debut.

A Japanese wedding—no matter if the ceremony and celebration are traditionally held in a shrine or in Western style at a hotel—has little to do with what you might have experienced so far.

First of all: feel very honored, because it’s generally only family and close friends who receive invitations. Your second task? Start preparing right away. When choosing your outfit, present or even the congratulations card, make sure you follow some (rather non-negotiable) rules.

How To RSVP

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Whether you attend the wedding or not, you are expected to send a written reply. Along with your invitation, you’ll find a reply card requesting you to confirm your presence or absence.

If you’re attending, circle ご出席 (go-shusseki), and if you’re not, circle ご欠席 (go-kesseki).

Be sure to cross out the honorary ご (go) before each word with two lines, and write a short congratulatory message in either Japanese or English. Send the card back as soon as possible—prompt replies are considered polite.

How To Dress

© Photo by Pixta: ペイレスイメージズ1

No big difference here from other countries—it’s a formal event, so wear something formal unless you’re specifically told not to. However, there are a few taboos, especially for women, that everyone silently obeys.

The biggest one of all is never to wear full white, because the color is reserved for the bride. Other no-nos include overly revealing clothes, very short skirts or excessive colors and jewelry. The principle is simple—don’t outshine the bride.

A safe choice for women is a simple cocktail dress (black is okay), paired with closed high heels and understated jewelry. For men, the standard is a dark suit with a tie—black, navy or gray are safest. White suits are a definite no.

What To Give

As blunt as it may sound, the gift is simply money! The tradition of goshugi (money gift) is deeply rooted in Japanese weddings, and it comes with a list of unspoken rules. Instead of piling the couple’s home with pots and plates, you give them cash to help start their life together—and to help cover wedding costs, which can easily run into the millions of yen in big cities like Tokyo.

As soon as you send back your RSVP, head to a stationery shop and buy a decorative envelope called a goshugi-bukuro. These envelopes are usually marked with the kanji for celebration (御祝 or 寿). Choose a brightly decorated one—black—and—white envelopes are strictly for funerals.

The standard amount depends on your relationship and region.

• In Tokyo and other large cities, ¥30,000 is the norm for friends and colleagues.
• In Hokkaido or Okinawa, ¥10,000 is common.
• If you’re a boss, ¥50,000 or more is appropriate.
• Couples attending together usually give one envelope with about ¥50,000.

Avoid even numbers like ¥20,000 or ¥40,000—they’re seen as bad luck and suggest the couple could split. Sticking to the one, three or five rule is your safest bet.

Always use crisp, new bills. If you can’t get to a bank, many people even iron the notes under a cloth to smooth them out. Write your name clearly on the envelope, and hand it to the reception staff on the day of the wedding with a polite “Omedetō gozaimasu.”

What To Expect

It’s Japan, so expect precision and planning. Nothing is left to chance. The event usually has two main parts: the kekkonshiki (wedding ceremony) and the hiroen (wedding reception), followed by a more casual nijikai (after-party) for friends and colleagues.

At the reception, don’t expect dancing—it’s about speeches, food and performances. Guests often give speeches, such as bosses or close friends of the bride and groom. Be prepared for emotional moments, like a self-made video of the couple’s story or the bride reading a heartfelt letter to her parents. Tears are normal, even expected and you’ll see many people openly crying.

The bride and groom usually change outfits during the event—often at least twice—switching from a traditional kimono or shiromuku to a Western-style gown or suit.

When The Party Is Over

By the time the event winds down, you’ll likely feel both teary and tipsy. Don’t leave empty-handed, though—check under your seat for a hikidemono (guest gift), a token of appreciation from the couple. These often include sweets, towels or even a catalog from which you can choose your own gift.

At the exit, the newlyweds and their parents will be lined up to bow and thank you for attending. Return the gesture with a polite “Arigatō gozaimashita” or another congratulatory phrase.

When You Get Home

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There isn’t a strict after-wedding custom, but it’s always thoughtful to send a thank-you card to the couple, especially mentioning the hikidemono gift. Keep in mind that Japanese honeymoons are often shorter than Western ones—about a week on average—so if you’d like your card to reach them soon after their return, don’t wait too long to send it.

Being invited to a Japanese wedding is a true honor. If you are invited, embrace the chance—it’s one of the most unforgettable cultural experiences you’ll have in Japan.

Hey Hilary—How do I address issues of stinky body odor with my Japanese boyfriend?

I’m not sure how to be polite about this, but my boyfriend (Japanese, 30s) has started to stink this summer. I know it’s hot and sweaty for everyone, and I’m sure I don’t always smell my freshest, but this is just wrong. It only started this summer, too. His body odor never bothered me before. Now, sometimes I find myself nearly retching when he comes over after being outside.

I had to throw away a pillow on my sofa because it absorbed that smell. No amount of washing or fabric spray made the smell go away. I’ve tried to bring up things like antiperspirants, deodorants, or even cologne to him before, and he says he uses them, but whatever he uses doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

Is it just this summer that’s made it worse, or what? How do I talk to him about how bad he smells without breaking up with him in the process? 

—Smell Harassed

Dear Smell Harassed,

This summer has been eye-opening for many people in terms of how sweaty they can be and still survive. Unfortunately, it’s also made traveling by train feel like scent torture.

Being sweaty is one thing, but any changes to diet can also impact how someone smells. Gaining or losing weight, stress, what fabrics you wear, and so on can also impact how someone smells. There are as many ways to smell as there are people on the planet.

It’s often been stated that East Asians don’t have any noticeable body odor because of a genetic variation, but that isn’t entirely true. While it’s thought that 80-90 percent of East Asians carry the ‘non-stinky’ ABCC11 gene, studies have found that this mainly applies to South Korean populations, not to East Asians in general.

Studies conducted at Tokai University have also shown that skin gas, which is composed of over 300 substances, contributes to body odor. These include the compounds that cause foot odor (isovaleric acid), diacetyl (common in men in their 30s and 40s) and oxidized skin oil—often referred to as “old person smell” or 加齢臭 (kareishu; “aging odor”) in Japanese.

Middle-Aged Man Smell

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Given that your boyfriend is in his 30s, it could be that what you’re smelling is the ‘middle-aged man’ smell. As much as you might not want to remember it, try to categorize the scent.

If it’s a musty scent that reminds you of old or expired cooking oil or butter, and you notice it mainly from his head or back, then that could be diacetyl that you’re smelling. Women in particular are more negatively affected by this scent, according to studies by Mandom, a Japanese personal care brand.

In that case, there are special ‘middle-aged man’-specific shampoos, conditioners and body soaps that target those problem areas. With prolonged use, these products can reduce or even eliminate those odors completely.

If it’s not that sort of scent, then I would strongly suggest you have your boyfriend see a doctor. Sudden changes in body odor or how much or how little someone sweats can be a sign of serious illness.

What has your boyfriend’s mental state been like recently?

Has he seemed withdrawn or depressed? If so, then it could be natural body odor due to neglecting his own hygiene that you’re smelling. If he’s not feeling up to regularly showering or laundering his clothes, that could also be impacting the way he smells.

While it can be embarrassing to bring up body odor to a partner, framing it as a concern for their health is probably your best course of action. As you stated in your email, their smell never bothered you before, but you think it’s changed recently, and that worries you.

Suppose he has been depressed or feeling a lot of stress. Helping him find ways of coping with and working through things could get him back to smelling like himself again. One suggestion that might help is to offer to bathe together. The intimacy and vulnerability that bathing brings out in both people can help alleviate stress. It might be a good baby step towards addressing the body odor issue overall.

I would not mention that pillow, nor would I accuse him of not using deodorants, etc. Your best bet is to focus on the fact that you noticed the change and think it needs addressing from a medical or more serious perspective. I wish you both the best of luck in resolving this issue.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

According to my Japanese husband, Japanese people have a strong work ethic. Marrying a Japanese salaryman, I’ve seen firsthand how hard he works at his job, and it’s easy to believe this. Having worked at one of India’s most successful digital startups, I can relate to the intense work culture in Japan. With tight deadlines and high pressure, it’s natural to get consumed by work.

I also realized that this kind of relationship might not be ideal for every foreigner. If you’re considering marrying a Japanese salaryman and moving to Japan, it’s important to understand their professional background to build a deeper connection. Based on my own experience, here’s some advice before you take that step.

Long Hours At Work = Less Couple Time

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Company loyalty is highly appreciated and encouraged in Japan. The longer employees stay at the office, the harder working the company perceives them. Some will not leave the office until their manager is done for the day, too.

Although this quality is admirable from a corporate standpoint, it may negatively impact personal lives outside of work. Without a proper work-life balance, it becomes very difficult to meet the emotional needs of others.

How To Deal With It

• Find the time to do things together
• Make a conscious effort to follow through on your plans

My Experience

Due to our busy schedules, my husband and I do our best to work around the time we have left. We always have one meal together, either dinner or breakfast. If we have more time on our hands, we hit the gym, watch a drama on Netflix, or go out for a walk at night.

The Infamous ‘Drinking Nights’

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Nomikai (drinking parties) are an essential part of the work culture in Japan. These drinking gatherings allow employees to blow off steam and bond with their co-workers. Coming home late and intoxicated could be problematic to your relationship if you don’t have the nomikai culture in your country.

At times, you can’t entirely blame your Japanese partner for joining these gatherings. Depending on their office rank, they may not be in a position to opt out of these drinking parties. If they do, it could hamper their relationships at work.

How To Deal With It

• Suggest compromises. If you can’t stop them from attending, then they can at least limit their alcohol intake, keep you in the loop or update you on their whereabouts.
• If your partner does come home intoxicated, avoid arguing. It will only complicate things. The wisest thing to do is to sleep on it. Address the issue calmly the following morning.

My Experience

Socializing and building a professional network are essential for any profession. I understand that nomikai events help my husband socialize with his team and build stronger bonds at work. If we do go out without the other, we make sure to share our locations and an emergency contact just in case our phones become unreachable. This open line of communication helps us stay on the same page.

Living Dual Lives

© Photo by iStock: fotoVoyager

According to my husband, Japanese people are selective about who they let into their inner circle. They rarely mix their personal and professional lives to maintain harmony and tranquility.

How To Deal With It

• Respect your partner’s decisions and views. They are the building blocks for a rock-solid relationship. After all, each of us manages our outside relationships differently.
• Don’t mirror your partner’s actions if they do not resonate with yours. Don’t hesitate to introduce your partner to your close and trusted colleagues. You never know, he may feel inspired to do the same. And if not, it’s nothing to be offended by.

My Experience

My husband and I are both transparent about our professional and personal lives. Although we have met each other’s colleagues before, it is rare for us to hang out together. Maintaining healthy boundaries between work and home is essential to both of us.

When we are together, we try not to talk about work (unless one of us wants to share something in particular about our day). We focus more on spending time with ourselves and doing activities we both enjoy.

Expect Plenty Of Business Trips

© Photo by iStock: krblokhin

There’s a Netflix show called Bullet Train Bistro. It’s about a salaryman who travels around Japan for business and treats himself to delicious food while traveling back home in a shinkansen (bullet train).

I watched this show, wondering how his family coped when he was not home. His busy schedule could have easily caused him to miss numerous important family events. Also, his spouse has to do most of the housework and child-rearing.

It seems this is the reality for many married couples in Japan. If your Japanese partner travels for work frequently, most of the household responsibilities may fall upon you. The work may even double if you have a demanding job in Japan as well. Would you be able to take on both roles?

How To Deal With It

• Keep busy and have a support line outside of the home. This can prevent you from feeling homesick, lonely or dependent.
• Search for new friends on socializing apps such as Bumble BFF, join a language school, attend a workshop or even join a group on Facebook. This can help fill your mind with fresh ideas and spark new conversations with your Japanese partner.

My Experience

For me, having a supportive partner is a bonus and blessing. However, learning to do tasks by myself is equally liberating. Thus, whenever I feel stuck and homesick, I remember to be kind and patient with myself.

Work will always play a significant role in any relationship. The best you can do for each other is be kind and supportive. Make sure to get to know each other and your cultural backgrounds before settling down. If you get the chance to live with them before marriage, take it. This experience could give you a heads-up on what married life with them would be like. 

After all, marriage should not feel like a compromise. It’s about creating memories with that special someone, communicating feelings effectively, helping each other grow and powering through this crazy thing called life together.

Couples’ support can always be found if needed. For more information, check out this list of counseling services in Tokyo.

There are three common types of weddings in Japan: a “paper” wedding, where you just sign the relevant documents and you’re good to go; a traditional Japanese wedding at a Shinto shrine, and the recently more common Western-style ceremonies held at pseudo-wedding chapels with “foreign priests” who may or may not be English teachers moonlighting for the occasion. No matter the style, many couples still choose a June wedding, despite it falling in the rainy season, making it a curious yet enduring tradition in Japan.

June Bride

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Popularized in Japan after the 1948 movie of the same name, “June bride” is a term that you’ll often see in Japanese manga, anime, TV dramas, Instagram, and, of course, all wedding-related businesses. As soon as June kicks in, you’ll suddenly start noticing a boost in wedding promotions, special photo plans and other related festivities, along with wedding after wedding invitations if you live here. I can personally name about six Japanese friends offhand who have gotten married in June.

Though there isn’t a single, concrete reason for this tradition’s longevity, different generations of women ascribe some interpretations to the persistence of the June bride image in Japan. Here are some of them.

Ancient Beliefs

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June, the month of Juno, the Roman goddess of marriage, was thought to confer good luck to couples. In other words, June is automatically a lucky month to get married. Like in many other parts of the world, this mythology is still quoted as being part of the reason for the success of the June bride’s lingering image in Japan today.

However, as far as traditional Japan is concerned, June has a special significance for new families. Under the old Japanese calendar, June was called minazuki, the month of water. It was traditionally the time when rice fields were flooded with water. This symbol of fertility carried over into relationships. It was thought that June was the best month to get married and, therefore, pregnant. These two were thought to go simultaneously in the past. If coming from an agricultural family, this timing was ideal. The pregnancy wouldn’t interfere with the woman’s ability to work during the harvest season.

An elderly female friend of mine further said that in her generation, getting married in June had another benefit. Having a honeymoon baby meant avoiding the stress of going into labor during the sweltering summer months. Talk about planned parenthood!

The Perfect Weather

© Photo by iStock: west

June is the tail end of spring and the start of summer in Japan. This means the weather is usually comfortably warm during the day. It’s also pleasantly cool in the evenings. If you’re planning to wear a heavy white gown or traditional kimono, June is ideal. It’s the best time to dress up before the dreaded Japanese summer begins.

If you’re having a modern destination wedding, June is also a popular choice for that too. Many young Japanese couples have chosen to marry abroad in recent years. This is the time to visit places like Guam, Saipan and Hawaii. These are the three most popular wedding destinations for Japanese newlyweds. Many wedding companies offer special package deals for June. That’s an unbeatable incentive for many young couples.

Despite being the rainy season, June is also the month of blooming flowers in Japan. On a lucky sunny day, couples can take wedding photos outdoors, using anything from hydrangea to iris as a backdrop.

Practical Reasons

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When you’re paying a couple of million yen for your wedding and have a long list of things to do, being practical about your time plays a big role when choosing the wedding date. So, for couples who are both working professionals, June is a natural choice, considering the fact that their work schedules tend to be freer after the rush of April and May. As April and May are months when there are celebrations for newcomers to companies, it’s much harder to book a reasonably-sized restaurant for a party than it is in June, when there aren’t any national holidays or work-related events to worry about.

The Golden Week in May also gives couples enough time to prepare before the wedding. With nearly no one traveling in June, one doesn’t risk having a number of dear people cancel their presence on the big day.

So, summing up the many practical sides of the wedding factor, June is by all means a great time to tie the knot, officially. The weather’s fine, the guests will be there, there’s less fuss at work and Juno will be watching over! If you’re looking to get married in Japan, then you may also consider visiting one of the many bridal fairs held at this time at hotels, chapels and ceremony halls in major cities. Even just seeing what they have to offer can make your head spin!

Did you have a June wedding in Japan? What kind of wedding did you choose? Let us know in the comments!

Hi Hilary—We’re Not Getting Married?

I (28) met a Japanese guy (34) several months ago. On the third date at his place, he confessed his love and we became a couple. After three months of dating him, I wanted to know his opinion about marriage because I felt ready to marry him in the next two to three years.

He said he wouldn’t get married in his 30s, but maybe in his 40s. He explained that he wanted to quit his current job and start his own business, and as his new life wouldn’t be stable, he didn’t want to get married in his 30s. I told him that I didn’t care about money. I didn’t even need a ceremony; I’d work from next year, do chores and take care of the house. Basically, trying to show that I wouldn’t be a burden for him but instead a supporter.

But then he started to say things like, “I’m not comfortable living together,” and “our cultures are too different,” and that “[he] was probably not the marrying type.”

I apologized for bringing up marriage and he answered, “I can’t marry you in the next two to three years, so we should break up. Your time is too valuable to waste.” It seems like he made his mind up and then dumped me through text.

Do you think that I started talking about our marriage or future too soon? What does it mean if a guy says that he doesn’t want to marry in his 30s?

— Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl,

I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. However, this is a great opportunity to learn from this experience and apply it to future relationships.

Were you only dating for three months in total? If so, that is way too early to be talking about marriage, regardless of how often you talk online. Closeness via text is no substitute for physically being present with one another. You brought up the topic of marriage when most couples are still getting used to being around one another. Most would still be learning about each other’s likes and dislikes. The most you should have asked is whether he “had ever thought about marriage” or “if he was looking to get married in the future” and left it at that.

Those are good general questions to ask if you want to see if you and he have similar ideas about the future (either as a couple or as a person in general). Instead, you took his answer and started giving a game plan for your future together and then giving compromises and what-ifs. Essentially, you told him that you were going to be part of his future regardless. It’s clear from the way he phrased his reply to you that he thought it was too much.

I’m not saying that having this kind of discussion isn’t important—but save it for when you have been dating for longer.

Neither of you is the bad guy here, but the approach you took to the situation was heavy-handed. If you are in a serious, exclusive relationship, and even if your partner has the same goals as you do, pushing someone to agree to marriage is a surefire way of scaring them off. If someone wants to be with you, marriage will naturally come up in conversation eventually. It will be plainly clear from how they behave around you and towards you.

In my experience, if a man says that he doesn’t see himself ever getting married, “isn’t the marrying kind” or otherwise doesn’t want that kind of commitment, there is absolutely nothing you can say or offer that will change his mind.

If you genuinely don’t care or aren’t in a hurry to get married, then your partner’s not caring won’t bother you. However, because you instantly tried to compromise/push him into marriage, it became very plain to him that you and he weren’t compatible. You both have very different goals for your futures, which is also why he apologized for wasting your time.

Another point that might have affected his decision to end the relationship is your career/financial status.

You said that you will work starting next year. Does that mean you aren’t working right now? If so, how are you supporting yourself? How sure are you that you will have that job and a proper visa in the new year?

If you don’t have a proper visa or career, his agreeing to marry you puts him on the hook for any and all of your expenses. This prevents him from being able to quit his job and start his own company. He would have to give up his own dream, which he is likely working very hard for right now, in favor of doing something he doesn’t really want to do.

Your list of compromises comes across as too intense and cringe-y, I’m sorry to say. Where is the practical benefit for him in that equation? You assume that he wants someone to do his chores and take care of his house. If he needed that, he could hire a maid service. His getting married wouldn’t make his life any easier, but it would make things easier for you.

Many women are guilty of seeing marriage as a box to tick off on some “perfect life” checklist.

Don’t find someone you think “makes sense” as a partner without thinking about what that person might want for their life. That’s a surefire way to end up with an unsatisfying relationship and probably a divorce (often sooner rather than later).

In the future, I think you should focus on finding someone who enriches your life come rain or shine. Someone who wants to be with you, experience things with you and has time to get to know you. The rest—marriage, the future, etc.,—will naturally fall into place. Who knows? Things might play out differently than you’ve imagined. They could even turn out to be so much more amazing than anything you’ve pictured.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”