The start of the year is filled with celebrations of love, especially in Japan. There’s Valentine’s Day, with its unique Japan-specific rules, and White Day, which can sometimes be less than romantic. Japan also has plenty of superstitions that surround finding, falling and losing love. Here’s a breakdown of some unique Japanese love superstitions you might not know.

Japanese Love Superstitions

Lucky Date Spots in Tokyo

Tokyo can be quite the romantic city, what with its fifteen love and matchmaking-related shrines. Once you’ve paid your respects at one of these spots, what else can you do.

Tokyo Tower

A classic spot to visit is Tokyo Tower. It’s said that a couple who witness the lights turning off at midnight at Tokyo Tower will be together forever. This can happen any day of the week, but if you want extra good luck, then the special lights on Saturday evenings are a must-see. Especially the red ones, as they symbolize love and gratitude.

Love, Luck and Weather

There are plenty of superstitions that involve the weather, too. If you and your partner witness a solar eclipse together, if you’re on a date and the first snow of the year falls, or if you and your partner see a rainbow after a rainstorm together, your love is set for life.

Umbrellas

One of the most famous Japanese superstitions is ai ai gasa (相合傘) or “sharing an umbrella. The word ‘ai’ also means love (愛 ai), and so sharing an umbrella is a romantic experience for many couples. Although not as common as it used to be, teenagers often draw a stick umbrella with a heart at the top and their name and their crush’s name underneath.

Texting

If you confess via email or text, do it on an odd-numbered day and type with your non-dominant hand to increase your chances of success.

Stationery-Related Love Superstitions

Red Ink

If you want to increase your love luck, use a pink/red pen every day until the ink runs out. Surrounding yourself with pink things in general is said to help, too.

What happens when the ink finally runs dry? Whatever you do, don’t write someone’s name with it. It’s a massive taboo in Japan, as the names of the dead are usually written in red, and it symbolizes death, bad luck and severing ties.

Erasers

One that might not be as common today as it used to be involves erasers. If you buy a new eraser, write your crush’s name, keep it hidden under the paper label, then use that eraser up completely, your love will be requited.

Breakup Related Superstitions

Unlucky Date Spots in Tokyo

There are many places in Tokyo that couples shouldn’t visit to avoid bad luck.

Keio Inokashira Park

The most famous superstition, of course, is that any couple that rides a swan boat together at Inokashira Park in Kichijoji is doomed to break up. This legend tends to apply to most swan boats and bodies of water in Japan, however. If the body of water is said to be blessed by Benzaiten (the Buddhist goddess of the arts and wealth, among other things), then she may curse couples who are too in love. Another common origin story of these superstitions is that a heartbroken woman who drowned herself in said body of water has cursed anyone in love to break up. At Inokashira Park, though, the only male swan boat is said to be immune to that curse.

Tokyo Disneyland

Although not technically in Tokyo, Tokyo Disney is considered a risky place for couples to go on a date. This one seems to be based more in reality: it’s a long trip from Tokyo, it’s expensive, and it’s easy to get into arguments or ignore one another during long waits.

One point that is shared by Tokyo Disney and the swan boats is that, seeing how your partner reacts to issues and how much or little they contribute to doing things may give you a glimpse into the future. You might see something you don’t like, and that could signal the end of the relationship.

Hairbrushes and Loose Hair

Hair seems to play a big part in your love luck in Japan. If you have two combs or brushes in your bag, your crush will fall for someone else. Or, if you use someone else’s comb without shaking it three times first, then your love will be unrequited. Be careful of loose hair on your clothes because if someone else picks it off for you, you’ll end up heartbroken.

Scissors and Mirrors

Using scissors or a knife on the same day as a date means your relationship will come apart, too. Never look at your reflection in a broken mirror, either, or else your love luck for the month will drop. That, by the way, is on top of the seven years of bad luck that breaking a mirror brings.

Weird Japanese Love Superstitions

Apparently, if you get a pimple on your left cheek, someone is in love with you. Bumping into a happy couple (accidentally, of course) will let some of their love luck rub off on you. If you give up your seat on the train three times to elderly people, that will also help your love luck.

A semi-science-based superstition is that, if you confess to your crush on the phone, you should ask them to switch their phone to the left ear first. Allegedly, what you hear using the left ear will connect to the right side of the brain, and that will cause the listener to process how they feel about what’s being said, instead of the literal meaning.

Lastly, for takoyaki (octopus balls) lovers out there, eating a piece of takoyaki without octopus in it (accidentally!) means you will fall in long-lasting love.

Do you know any other Japanese love superstitions? Share them in the comments below!

Japan has recently released a “love diagnostic” test called Love Character 64, aimed at uncovering your “love type”, which can help you deepen your romantic connections. It is also available in English, so you can leave polishing your Japanese reading skills for another day and focus on matters of the heart. In this post, we’ll explore this test, which sorts love types into cute LINE characters, in detail below! 

Love Types: The Basics

Do you know your Love Type? A Japanese team, supervised by the Japan Romance Studies Association, devised the  “Love Characters 64”  to help you discover your tendencies in love. By completing a series of 18 questions, the test reveals which of the 16 love types you are, as well as your compatibility with others and your ideal partner type. 

The 16 types are also broken down into four subtypes based on the new dimensions of how independent you are in a relationship and how much you prioritize building a future together. 

The point of the test is not just to find your character type. Its creators intended it to be a step towards a journey of understanding that can deepen your relationship with yourself and your partner. So, even if you don’t have a partner, you can gain valuable insight into your values concerning romance and emotions. 

The Six Dimensions

The Love Types are based on how you score on six dimensions. Each type and character is created using a combination of the first four dimensions and then further divided via the last two. 

For example, the “Capable Manager” is a combination of FARE (following/accepting/realistic/earnest) as well as VD (visionary dependent), VI (visionary independent), ND (natural dependent) or NI (natural independent). 

Since terms like “natural” have specific meanings in the test, check out the brief explanation below to get a sense of it. 

Lead/Follow 

Are you the leader and decision-maker in the relationship or do you follow your partner’s pace?

Cuddly/Accepting 

Are you happiest being taken care of or would you rather be the protector?  

Realistic/Passionate 

Are you looking for a stable and long-term relationship or one based mostly on passion?

Optimistic/Earnest 

Are you interested in a love based on freedom or on being serious about each other?

Visionary/Natural 

Are you someone who is seeking marriage and long-term commitment or who lives for the joy of the present moment? 

Devoted/Independent 

Are you interested in a relationship where you spend most of your time together or where you respect each other’s separate time and hobbies?

The 16 Love Types

Read on for our very short introduction to the 16 love types if you’re curious about yourself or want to decode someone’s dating profile. 

Boss Cat (LCRO) 

This type is a free-spirited leader with a soft side looking for a stable partner. 

Hidden Baby (LCRE)

This type likes to lead in relationships and appears reliable, but also wants to be taken care of. 

Protagonist (LCPO) 

This type is a leader, drawing many suitors with their charm and falling in love based on passion. 

Tsundere Yankee (LCPE)

This type leads with intensity and passion and faces relationships head-on.

Admired Senior (LARO)

This type is a leader desiring their own space while also wanting to be relied on. 

Charisma Balancer (LARE)

This type is a steady leader who faces relationships seriously and wants to be relied on by their partner. 

Perfect Chameleon (LAPO)

This type leads with passion and spontaneity and is also able to shift into a reliable partner when needed. 

Captain Lion (LAPE)

This type is a natural leader, facing relationships earnestly and with intensity. 

Romance Magician (FCRO)

This type is very skilled at reading people and wants a long-term love who respects their freedom and desires. 

Clever Rabbit (FCRE) 

This type is both affectionate and gentle and has the ability to carefully evaluate who will make them happy in a relationship.

Love Monster (FCPO)

This type falls in love quickly and deeply, passionately adoring their partner and bringing much joy and energy to any relationship. 

Loyal Hachiko (FCPE)

This type is honest and committed to their partner, embracing them wholeheartedly while bringing warmth and sincerity to all relationships.  

Mysterious Creature (FARO)

This type, despite some difficulties expressing themselves in love, possesses a unique charm that draws people in. 

Capable Manager (FARE)

This type is great at adapting to their partner and supporting them while prioritizing a steady long-term commitment.

Devil/Angel (FAPO) 

This type adapts to their partner and enjoys being the protector, but also needs freedom in a relationship. 

The Last Lover (FAPE)

This type falls passionately in love and seeks to protect and care for their partner forever. 

Have you taken the Japanese 16 Love Types test? Let us know your type and how accurate you think it is below!

Once you’ve been with someone for a while, your interactions can become routine. However, when you’ve been in a relationship for long enough, it’s easy to start taking your partner for granted. It doesn’t matter what ethnicity or gender your partner is; everyone can, in some way or another, forget that they’re supposed to love their other half. When that happens, issues start to crop up, which can lead to resentment, and especially for long-term couples in Japan, that can ultimately lead to sotsukon or divorce. Here are some things you and your partner can do to bring the spark back to your relationship.

Popular Relationship Rules

These rules are intended to give you and your partner guidance on how to spend time together and communicate more efficiently and meaningfully.

The 70-30 Rule

Some relationship experts believe that dividing the time you spend with your partner (outside of work hours) can not only help you but also build a stronger relationship. The idea here is to spend 70% of your time with your partner and 30% by yourself/with friends.

The 7-7-7 Rule

Have a date night every seven days, a weekend getaway every seven weeks and a longer, romantic vacation every seven months. This timeline is designed to provide structured opportunities for intentional quality time for a couple, and therefore to encourage intimacy, fun and rebuilding the connection between partners. Essentially, the goal is for both partners to make consistent, concentrated efforts to be together.

The 5-5-5 Rule

This is a mindfulness and communication tool that individuals and couples can use when conflicts arise. Basically, when faced with an issue, you pause and consider whether said issue will matter in five minutes, five days or five years. This way, you can shift your focus to what really matters, and de-escalate an argument if you’re speaking with your partner.

For some couples, keeping these rules in mind can do wonders for their relationship. For others, not so much, which is why there are other practices that people can put into place to rebuild their relationship.

Best General Practices

There are five general practices every couple should keep in mind in order to keep the spark alive in their relationship.

1. Communicate

While it seems obvious, it’s shockingly easy to make communicating with your partner perfunctory. Questions asked while staring at your phone screen, listing things that need doing/purchasing to one another, and otherwise sharing only the briefest of conversations is a death sentence to many relationships.

Couples in Japan, especially in relationships where there may be a somewhat of a language barrier, might find it easier to communicate via text. You could try writing letters to one another, or better yet, try your own version of a language exchange session. It doesn’t matter what language you speak together, so long as you both put in the effort to communicate. Sometimes studying together can be what gets a couple back in sync.

2. Be Considerate

Being polite is not the same as being considerate, and in many cases, people stop being considerate of one another after being in a relationship for a long time. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the garbage, telling them that you’re grateful for something they’ve done and otherwise acknowledging them can go a long way.

If you aren’t comfortable expressing things in words, then acts of service can help. Taking care of a task for them, running the bath for them or bringing them flowers or their favorite treat “just because” are some good places to start.

3. Keep Your Partner Involved

This should be obvious, but don’t shut your partner out of your life. “How was work today?” “Good.” Plenty of people are guilty of having these short, ultimately meaningless exchanges with their partners, and they aren’t a big deal—unless that’s all you share with your partner.

When both parties keep their personal details to themselves, the relationship can quickly break down into a roommate situation. Of course, some people are fine with a platonic or companionship-based relationship, but if that’s not what either of you wants, you need to open up and share more about your lives.

4. Change Things Up

As people grow older, their hobbies and interests will naturally change. For some couples, they discover that they don’t have as much in common with their partner as they once did. This is exceptionally common for retired couples, but it can happen at any age.

That doesn’t mean you’ve grown apart or that you’re no longer a good fit for one another. Unless the changes are extreme, you and your partner now have the opportunity to find new interests or hobbies to enjoy together.

There is no shortage of classes, trial lessons, events, or festivals in Japan at any given time of the year, and many are free to join. To find out what’s happening in Tokyo each month, check out this link.

5. Express Affection and Encourage Intimacy

Affection and physical intimacy are often the first things to disappear when a relationship takes a downward turn. It can be hard to make time or be interested in being affectionate or intimate when you’re working, taking care of kids or dealing with stress. Performance issues can also arise that make intimacy difficult, if not impossible, at times.

That does not mean you’re bound for a dead bedroom or sexless marriage. If anything, it’s an opportunity to remember what was so good about the honeymoon period in your relationship. For some couples in Japan, the best way to overcome a dead bedroom is to try to recapture that new couple feeling, even if the physical side of things is off the table at first. You could, for example, try having a monthly date with one another. 

Not that you need to go all out, either. Something as simple as a cheeky text message telling them you think they’re cute/sexy can do wonders. So can stopping to give your partner a peck on the cheek, holding their hand while grocery shopping, or giving them a genuine compliment can turn that spark into a roaring flame all over again. There are plenty of ways (and lovely places!) to keep that flame burning too, especially in Japan.

Professional Help

What if nothing seems to be helping? Perhaps you’ve recognized that there’s a problem and your partner doesn’t see it. In either case, sometimes the best option for your mental health, and for the sake of your relationship, is to seek professional help.

There are numerous options for individual and couples’ counseling in Tokyo. For more information on finding a counselor, please take a look at this article.

Keeping the spark alive takes effort from both partners, and it doesn’t happen overnight. If you can be patient and understanding with one another, eventually you’ll find your way again.

Do you have any advice for long term couples in Japan? Share them with us in the comments!

The new year is here, and for romantics at heart, it’s the perfect time to start thinking about dating in 2026. There are plenty of options to choose from when it comes to date ideas in Japan, but sometimes things can get repetitive. If you want to fill your year with excitement, then how about planning monthly themed dates?

January: Visit A Shrine

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It’s the first month of the year, so it’s probably a wise idea to visit a traditional shrine to pray for luck in love. You can, of course, take yourself on a solo date to pray for love, but if you have a partner, you can also go to a shrine to pray that your relationship goes the distance.

While there are scores of shrines to visit all over Japan, there are 15 matchmaking shrines in Tokyo alone that come highly recommended. You could even consider getting professionally dressed in a kimono before your visit.

Don’t forget to read up on how to properly pray at a shrine too!

February: Romance Galore

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February is already chockablock with Valentine’s things to see and do, but the weather can be really iffy. There could be heavy snow or just damp, icky weather that keeps you inside instead.

If it’s fair weather, then going out to see the last of the seasonal illuminations or visiting one of the many plum blossom festivals can be a great way to pass the time with your partner.

If it’s snowy or too chilly to head outdoors, then why not try staying in and baking together? You can shop for ingredients with ease and make something special for your partner or to share together, too.

March: Mountain Climbing

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March is an excellent month to start spending time outdoors. Forest bathing, whether done alone or with a partner, is a great way to reset and refresh yourself. March is also when White Day takes place, but that can be contentious.

You might not be up for climbing a major mountain (and most are still closed at this time of year), but there are lots of relatively easy places to hike in the greater Tokyo area. Mount Takao, for example, also has its Hiwatari-sai (Fire-Walking Festival) on the second Sunday in March, and its beer garden opens at the end of March as well.

April: All The Flowers

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April is the start of the new year in many ways in Japan. It’s time for new beginnings and starting afresh. Cherry blossoms may be the darling of late March to mid-April, but there’s also Golden Week at the end of the month to consider.

Flower-based dates are ideal in the fourth month of the year. There are cherry blossoms, azaleas (such as the Bunkyo Azalea Festival), moss flox (the Chichibu Shibazakura Festival in Saitama) and wisteria too.

May: Weather-Depending Dates

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May, with the tail end of Golden Week at the start, is also when the rainy season starts, so having open-ended plans is best for this month. It’s also a month where people suffer from Gogatsu-byo, and things seem to go topsy-turvy for many people and relationships.

If you have to stay in, then perhaps something relaxing and straightforward is the best approach. Face masks, catching up on movies and so on are good ways to reaffirm your connection as a couple.

If you can go out, visiting a flower garden (such as an iris or hydrangea garden) is another option. Additionally, there are international cultural festivals and street dance festivals to consider.

June: Seaside Events

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Once June arrives, Japanese summer starts in earnest. It’s hot, humid and there are more festivals and events than anyone can visit in a single month. It’s the ideal month for couples who love to get out and see things and don’t mind the weather.

Places like Odaiba Marine Park are great if you want to stay in Tokyo, but if you don’t mind traveling a little, then there are plenty of popular and less-crowded beaches only a short train ride away, too. You could even turn a date into a mini vacation with your partner.

July: Festivals Galore

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July is even hotter, it’s sticky, and yet, there’s plenty to enjoy on a date in Tokyo still.

There are beer gardens, summer festivals with fireworks, and of course, the best holiday for couples: Tanabata. Why not celebrate those star-crossed lovers by attending a Tanabata festival and spending the evening with your loved one?

August: Spooky Spots

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August is when Obon takes place, and while not everyone is a horror fan, August is definitely the time when spooky date spots are a big hit.

There are Bon Odori dance festivals, plus haunted houses, and tests of courage you and your partner can embark upon together.

If horror isn’t your thing, there are still dozens of firework festivals, as well as the Fuurin Matsuri (Windchime festival) at Kawagoe’s Hikawa Shrine in Saitama.

September: Big Events & Markets

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September tends to be a shift in the seasonal calendar. While it’s still hot and humid out, there are more fall-friendly events, as well as major events like the Tokyo Game Show and the September Grand Sumo tournament, too.

Art galleries and museums often change their special exhibits at this time; there are also more antique and vintage markets, as well as farmers’ markets (both famous and lesser-known). Overall, the mood tends to be one of preparing for the fall colors.

October: Roses & Retro Spots

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Ideally, the weather starts to cool down in October, but that isn’t often the case. Mid-October to November marks the fall season for roses, and Tokyo boasts some of the most beautiful rose gardens around.

October’s also a great time to visit cultural destinations like the Shunkaen Bonsai Museum, or retro cool places like Asakusa’s Hanayashiki Amusement Park. If you want to do a full day’s worth of retro sightseeing on a date, then this showa dreamscape article might give you some inspiration.

November: Fall Leaves

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November is, of course, when the fall colors reach their peak (especially in Tokyo), so visiting parks and gardens or going for hikes followed by a stop at a cafe tends to be the standard November date experience.

For Americans (or turkey fans) in Tokyo, going on a Thanksgiving date might be a unique experience for you and your partner too. There are plenty of places to enjoy a Thanksgiving feast in Tokyo.

November also tends to be when Christmas markets, illuminations, and events start to crop up, if you don’t mind starting the celebration early.

December: Christmas & Strawberries

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Christmas is arguably the biggest date night of the year in Japan. Celebrating with your partner comes with its own list of traditions, but Christmas illuminations, Christmas markets, and, of course, Japanese Christmas cakes are all musts.

Although it’s more common in the spring, the strawberry-picking season technically starts in December in Japan. If you’d like a slightly off-beat December date, picking and eating your own strawberries is a great way to end a romance-filled year.

There you have it—a year’s worth of seasonally appropriate date ideas in Japan. You can even customize to meet you and your partner’s interests by looking at the latest Savvy articles on seasonal events.

Dear Hilary—What’s Wrong With A Traditional New Year’s?

Like many people who come to Japan, I came for the culture. At first it was anime and manga, but after I got here I became completely obsessed with Japanese traditions—especially holidays. I celebrate everything I can, and New Year’s is no exception. I even took classes on different subjects, so I wouldn’t be disrespectful. In fact, my former Japanese boyfriend and I used to attend traditional events together.

However, early this year I started dating someone new (he’s Japanese too), and about a week ago when I mentioned that I was excited to make my own osechi again. He gave me this really rude look and asked why I bothered since I’m foreign. He said that it was “weird” to want to make osechi or to go to a shrine and that I should be drinking champagne and having a “real party like normal people” do. I laughed it off, but now I feel really awkward about discussing anything related to end-of-year plans with him.

He’s already started talking about what we’re doing for Christmas, which, oddly enough, in his mind is a totally Japanese-style date, but now I’m not so sure I want to do that, or anything with him, to be honest. I’ve been using work as an excuse not to see him at the moment because I really can’t figure out what his issue is. What do you think?

—Akeome

Dear Akeome,

Wow! Before I get into your message, I just want to say how impressed I am that you make your own osechi (traditional Japanese New Year’s foods). I’ve only ever attempted it once but I’m pretty sure toshi-koshi (New Year’s Eve) soba is my limit.

You seem to disagree with what your boyfriend is saying, which is entirely understandable. I’m curious as to why he feels it’s so strange for you to celebrate a traditional Japanese New Year’s, though. The whole “why bother since you’re foreign” in particular stands out to me.

First things first: have you taken part in, celebrated or otherwise shown an understanding of or appreciation for Japanese traditions thus far in your relationship? Did he make any comments, positive or negative, about that? Did he join in or did he refuse to take part?

If so, and the comments were positive and/or he took part as well, then it could be that he has a problem with New Year’s specifically. It’s the end of the year, people are stressed out at work, there can be a lot of pressure to make things a certain way for the family’s sake, and so on. It can also be a depressing or difficult time of year. For example, an acquaintance of mine lost several family members around the New Year, and as such doesn’t celebrate it in the traditional fashion. Another friend is estranged from their family and prefers to go out to parties instead.

It could also just be osechi itself that is the issue.

I know at least four Japanese people that absolutely hate the stuff and would rather eat anything else. Or your boyfriend might simply prefer a Western-style New Year’s bash to a Japanese one and be struggling to explain this sentiment to you.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is chronically negative or put-off by your appreciation of Japanese culture, his comment could be symptomatic of a different problem with your relationship. If he, for example, takes issue with you wearing a yukata/kimono, visiting temples and shrines, or even something as small as using chopsticks, then he might be gatekeeping his culture or trying to keep you foreign for his own purposes.

Does he mock or put down Japanese culture? Or is your appreciation of Japanese culture a common complaint of his? I might start to question why he’s dating you if that’s the case. He may not be dating you for you so much as for the fact that you’re not Japanese.

It’s not that uncommon for some Japanese men (across all age groups) to have a foreign fetish.

As it were, and to use dating someone non-Japanese to make themselves feel better, or even elevate their social or career status. Some do as it gives them the appearance of being worldly or even capable of speaking another language, when in fact they cannot.

They see dating a foreigner as a stepping stone to better things, be that:

• Hafu-children, who are often sterotyped to have an envious multicultral look and abliity to speak multiple langauges
• An “automatic” visa enabling them to live overseas
• “Free” accommodations if they travel to their partner’s home country

Basically dating a foreigner is a relationship “full of perks” for them.

While they tend to come in a variety of types, the overall trend among this kind of man is a loathing or self-deprecating view of their own culture as being somehow “less than” that of Western culture. That manifests in certain expectations of non-Japanese people–namely, that they don’t take part in Japanese traditions. Some might even prefer their non-Japanese partners to actively participate in mocking those traditions alongside them.

“Sometimes Japanese guys who are obsessed with foreigners, especially white ones, have hang-ups about being Japanese. They want to be seen as this cool, exotic Japanese, but global kind of guy. But if their partner knows more about their culture than they do, they start feeling insecure about themselves. They realize they aren’t special and probably not what their partner is looking for because they don’t know their own culture, and act defensively. They’re willing to bully their partner away from Japanese culture in order to maintain that foreignness they covet.” (Japanese man, 42).

Uno Reverse It!

While not exactly the nicest of routes to take, if your boyfriend thinks it’s “weird” for you to have a Japanese-style New Year’s, then I might tell him that you would prefer to celebrate Christmas “like a foreigner”. That means no KFC, no strawberry shortcake and no sexy Santa costumes that seem to form the basis of many Japanese Christmas fantasies.

Having a clear discussion about why he feels that way about your making osechi should settle the matter clearly. He either dislikes Japanese New Year’s for his own reasons or, if he’s chronically against your taking part in Japanese culture, you and he simply have values that don’t match up.

If that turns out to be the case, then perhaps you should reconsider the relationship as you obviously have invested time, energy and money into studying them and don’t want to give that up. Best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

The actual meaning of Japanese Christmas is rather challenging to explain. Being a non-Christian nation, Christmas is not celebrated as a religious or even family-based event here. It’s not even a public holiday! Most companies and some schools will stay open until the last possible moment of the year, an oft-lamented fact that non-Japanese (myself included) find impossible to accept.

But if it’s not a holiday and it’s not a family or child-focused event, then what is it? Well, for many of the younger Japanese, Christmas is seen as more of a romantic holiday. It’s like the precursor to Valentine’s. And being such, you may as well experience (and enjoy) a typical Japanese Christmas date. So, here are a few tips to get started and what to expect.

Beware of “Quarter Men”

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For those using Tinder or other dating apps, you might find a sudden surge in the number of likes and message requests that you receive in the weeks leading up to Christmas. While this is certainly a boost to the ego, be wary of any guys that send a formulaic message—or you might find yourself chatting and making plans with a “quarter man”.

Quartermen are the guys who want a girlfriend around major holidays, but only when it’s convenient for them; they only date for a fixed period of three months—or one quarter, hence the name—then it’s goodbye. Summer flings fall into this category as well—lovely for three months but gone as soon as the weather changes.

The ones that start out in December are looking for someone to keep around from Christmas to Valentine’s Day. Then, come February 15th, you might find yourself single, which is really unfair considering March 14th is White Day, a commercial holiday many guys choose to ignore.

The Ideal Christmas Date

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My ex-fiancé once meticulously planned out the ideal Japanese Christmas date. I’ll break it down into its respective parts for you here.

Shopping & Sightseeing

Department stores have massive Christmas trees, impressive displays and lots of seasonal activities and music to really get you in the festive mood. Many might have already started their pre-New Year sales too. There are also various European-inspired Christmas markets held throughout Tokyo and beyond. You can grab a bite to eat here and buy a trinket or ornament to take home.

A Stop At A Pop-Up Ice Skating Rink

Shopping plazas often feature large, winter-only ice skating rinks in their central areas, complete with skate rentals and restrooms. Here are some of the places with these temporary rinks:

• Futakotamagawa Rise
• Tokyo Midtown
• Red Brick Warehouse in Yokohama

A Romantic Lunch & Dinner

This step is more applicable to couples with disposable income. However, many coupon-clippers also like to splash out on a fancy hotel buffet, course dinner or dessert and champagne “snack” in an expensive restaurant this time of year. The only problem, of course, is that many places require reservations far in advance—some with waiting lists that span two years!

A Stroll Through The City’s Illuminations

Shopping plazas, parks and gardens, as well as brand-name shops, stations and shopping streets, go all out when it comes to winter illuminations. These brilliant displays of light are like the winter equivalent of fireworks—one of my friends believes that it’s just not Christmas without a trip to see the lights. These lights are often left up from November to February.

Fried Chicken & Strawberry Shortcakes

Fried chicken, particularly the Kentucky Fried Chicken type, is Japan’s version of a Christmas turkey or goose. Most Japanese ovens are just not equipped to cook a turkey, and even if they could, you often can’t fit a whole turkey inside them in the first place.

For Japan, Christmas cake means strawberry shortcake: plain white cake, white whipped cream icing and real strawberries on top. In the early 1900s, strawberry shortcake was introduced to Japan from America by Rinemon Fujii, the baker behind what later became the Fujiya Co. Ltd, and quickly became a fairly high-class dessert (whipped cream and strawberries were very expensive at the time). In 1922, the Fujiya company began producing these cakes in greater numbers; other bakeries took notice, and the strawberry shortcake became Japan’s Christmas cake of choice. Read more about Japan’s affectionate Christmas cake history here.

Gift Exchange

So it’s time to exchange Christmas gifts. From my experience, there are standard gifts almost expected: a tie, warm scarf or nice gloves for him and some form of jewelry or beauty products for her—all expertly wrapped, of course. These gifts may have been purchased in advance or while you were out shopping together, although some may like a surprise gift exchange instead.

Off To Bed

You may have noticed that the above date doesn’t necessarily have to take place at home. While many couples do celebrate with their own tree and in the comforts of their own home, some prefer to stay at a hotel of some denomination—ryokan (Japanese inn), luxury hotel or even a nice love hotel—for Christmas. This is the reason why:

Naughty Mrs. Claus, Christmas Maid or Elf Cosplay

If you don’t believe me, just walk into your nearest Don Quixote or lingerie store and look at their seasonal display. Some (not all) Japanese men want to see their lady in red lingerie with a skimpy, white fur-trimmed apron or cuffs—one shop a few years back even sold a set with a jingling collar.

Japanese Christmas Culture Shock

© Photo by iStock: jreika

Like many non-Japanese women in Japan, Christmas for me means family, friends, cozy sweaters, Rudolph, presents and spiked eggnog. The Hollywood-infused Japanese Christmas date described above might seem cheesy to even the kindest film critics, not to mention expensive. But it’s part of the culture and something you should experience at least once. If you’re seeing someone special or have a prospective partner, why not plan something special for them yourself?

Have a joyous, lovely Japanese Christmas!

This article has been republished for 2025.

Hey Hilary—I’m Rethinking Life in Japan

You probably receive emails like this all the time, but I’ve broken up with my Japanese boyfriend, and now I’m rethinking everything about my life, including whether to stay in Japan.

I’ve lived in Japan for eight years. My Japanese ex-boyfriend and I work in the same office together; I’ve known him for all eight years, but we only dated for two. Our office has no rules against dating coworkers, and he and I were able to keep our personal and work lives separate for the most part. I don’t want to get into the details of why we broke up, but it came down to wanting different things. We decided to go our separate ways but stay friends.

Now he ignores me at work and when we do have to interact, he’s cold and standoffish. I’m good at my job, and I haven’t had any issues with anyone before the break-up, but this month, for some reason, other coworkers have had complaints about my work.

I feel like he’s brought our break-up into work, and since I’m less senior there than he is, I get the feeling that people are hoping I’ll leave.

I’m starting to seriously consider leaving my job, and Japan as well. I couldn’t easily find another job in my industry, and I would still run the risk of having to interact with my ex and my current company. I could easily work in my industry in my home country and never interact with my ex-boyfriend again.

I’m unsure whether returning overseas makes sense, or if I should relocate within Japan, or stay at my current company until my visa expires. I guess my question is, what would you do in my position?

—Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

You’ve been in Japan for some time, and you’ve experienced a significant change in a relationship, which has either directly or indirectly impacted your career as well. Understandably, you’d be feeling lost and conflicted about your future.

One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Olympia Dukakis’s character in Moonstruck: “Don’t s*** where you eat.” As you have unfortunately learned, and despite making it work for a few years, what happens between coworkers who turn into couples rarely stays out of the workplace.

While I can only take your word that your coworkers have never taken issue with your work, this sudden change in your perception in the office is telling. You know your ex best, so I would have to agree that, consciously or not, he has somehow influenced your coworkers against you.

Given that you’re now in a more hostile work environment, it also makes sense that you’d be considering leaving your current job. However, before you do, note this: if he is undermining your work, you may want to bring this to the attention of people higher up in the company.

Harassment of various kinds has become an increasingly pressing issue in Japan recently.

Harassment in the workplace is something the company would take seriously. According to top recruiting companies, your ex’s behavior could fall under power/moral harassment, which includes gossip, mental attacks and purposely excluding people and/or persuading others to do so.

You say that it wouldn’t be easy to find a new, similar position while in Japan, and you would likely still be in contact with your ex and current company.

• Would you feel comfortable still being in contact with him or the company?
• Could you separate what happened from your potential other employer?
• What do you stand to gain and lose if you were to change jobs (or even careers) in Japan?

Perhaps the more complicated question to answer:

• What would you stand to gain and lose if you were to move back to your home country?
• Would the pros outweigh the cons in the long term, or vice versa?

Another important question to consider:

• How much time do you have left on your visa?

If it’s a year or less, you might feel pressured to make decisions quickly, especially with the changing visa fees being discussed in the news these days. Don’t bow to that pressure; give yourself the time to consider your options carefully. Leaving Japan requires a lot of preparation, and if you rush into things, you might come to regret your decision in the long run.

If it’s more than a year, then I would suggest sticking it out for a month or two more at your current job. Things could settle down to relative normal again, or they might not. It’s essential to determine whether this is a temporary reaction on your coworkers’ part or if it is a sign that you should consider finding a new job. You need to know that you’re making the right decision for your career and future.

It’s nearly the end of the year, and I know things can feel more dire in this season, but you need to put yourself first and foremost. Take your time and make sure that you’re seeing things with clear eyes. You know you, so give yourself the grace to breathe, think and come to the right conclusions—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

There may be times in a person’s life when they need someone to talk to, and for many residents or expats seeking counseling in Tokyo, that moment can feel especially daunting. While friends, family and advice columns are all options, sometimes you need to hear an unbiased, professional opinion on a matter. Sometimes, the situation or emotions you’re experiencing are far too personal, too uncomfortable or perhaps even borderline illegal for anyone within your personal life to truly help with. It happens.

Talking to a professional is important. More people should do it, in fact. Individual counseling can help with a lot of different issues, be they stress, bereavement or seasonal issues. However, when you live in another country, language and cultural barriers can make it feel nearly impossible. And if you’re looking for couples counseling when you and your partner come from different cultural backgrounds and may not fully understand each other’s languages, that’s an even bigger hurdle.

Fortunately, in the Tokyo area, numerous professionals offer their services in English and other languages as well. If you search for clinics in Tokyo, you’ll find several that come up repeatedly—but whether or not these specialists are any good is the next question. You can’t always trust online reviews, nor should you, especially when it comes to your own mental health or the health of a relationship.

It can also be hard to ask others about counseling or therapists. There’s still a lot of stigma attached to mental health in both Japan and overseas, which can make it difficult even to approach the subject. With that said, if you are in need, you should reach out and get it for your own sake. You deserve to be your best self, regardless of what a partner, family or society says.

English Language Clinics

© Photo by iStock: Tero Vesalainen

While this is not a comprehensive list, these are the most widely approved and recommended counseling services in the Tokyo area as endorsed by individuals and mixed-ethnicity couples, Japanese couples and foreign couples living in Japan (about 80 people and 100 couples over 15 years).

Details of their services, fees and availability are found on their websites.

Tokyo Mental Health

• Location(s): Tokyo, Okinawa
• Online: Available
• Languages: English
• Couples counseling: Currently suspended

Bonds Tokyo Counseling Service

• Location(s): Setagaya Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: English & Japanese
• Couples counseling: Available

Sky Counseling & Consultation Tokyo

• Location(s): Meguro Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: English & Japanese
• Couples counseling: Available

Aoyama Bright Life Counseling Clinic

• Location(s): Minami Aoyama
• Online: Available
• Languages: English, Japanese, & Polish
• Couples counseling: Available

TELL Counseling

• Location(s): Tokyo and Okinawa
• Online: Available
• Languages: English, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, Cantonese, Spanish; flyers available in Bahasa Indonesian & Spanish
• Couples counseling: Varies

Individual Specialists

If you would prefer to find your own specialist, there are two services available:

• International Mental Health Professionals Japan
• Japan Healthcare Info

English Only, Online Only Services

There are also many counseling options available online. Three of the most recommended services for couples counseling are Better Help, Talk Space and ReGain.  Details of their services, fees and availability can be found on their websites.

As these are overseas-based services, you may need to book appointments at late night or early morning Japan time to get the most out of them.

Japanese Language Only Clinics

© Photo by iStock: recep-bg

There are scores of Japanese language-only clinics to choose from, as well, for both individual and couples counseling. However, they do expect you to be able to communicate at a native or near-native level of Japanese. You may be required to prove proficiency in Japanese or bring a translator with you, otherwise. For individual counseling in Japanese, it is recommended that you consult with your primary healthcare professional for recommendations, as you may need a referral to schedule an appointment.

Some ward offices also offer individual and couples counseling services. Ask at your local ward office if they have any of these services or if there are any counseling services available in your ward as well—these may be covered by Japanese National Insurance.

In terms of couples counseling specifically, some Japanese clinics also offer services for international couples. That being said, you are expected to be a near native-level Japanese speaker in order to participate. If you are not but would be more comfortable with a Japanese counseling clinic, you may be required to hire your own translator first. You’ll need to discuss this with the clinics beforehand, as each has its own rules and requirements regarding translation services as well as any associated fees.

Mejiro Sola Clinic

• Location(s): Mejiro Station
• Online: Based on needs/circumstances
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Available

Hiroo Stress Clinic Psychiatry

• Location(s): Minato Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Available

Fufu Mondai Sodanshitsu Forte (Fufu Forte)

• Location(s): Shinjuku Ward
• Online: Available
• Languages: Japanese, consult regarding translation services
• Couples counseling: Only service provided

Domestic Violence & Other Helplines

© Photo by iStock: bymuratdeniz

Sometimes the kind of help people need requires professional, perhaps police, assistance. If you are the victim of domestic violence or aren’t sure and want to talk to someone to get a better understanding of your situation, there are also ways to get help.

The Domestic Violence Hotline Plus is a phone, email and live chat service that began in response to the shocking increase in reported domestic violence incidents during the pandemic lockdowns. The helplines are available 24 hours a day. Telephone and email consultations are Japanese only, but chats are available in English, Chinese, Korean, Indonesian, Spanish, Portuguese, Tagalog, Thai and Vietnamese. Select the language that you require at the top of their homepage and follow the instructions provided.

Victims of sexual violence should consult the Sexual Violence Relief Center Tokyo (SARC) as soon as possible, as they can help you with the police and any medical needs on a 24-hour basis. 

The Yorisoi Hotline is a service dedicated to Japan’s foreign community, offering assistance with a range of issues, including visa concerns, domestic violence and international trafficking. This service is available in Japanese, English, Tagalog, Korean, Chinese, Spanish, Portuguese, Thai, Vietnamese, Nepali, Indonesian and other languages, although availability varies.

And, of course, if you need someone to talk to, TELL Lifeline is also available.

Finding the right kind of help can be challenging when you live abroad, but hopefully, with this counseling in Tokyo guide, you have a better idea of where to start.

Hi Hilary—He Wants My Passwords For Everything

I started dating a Japanese guy I met on Tinder this spring. We’ve only been dating for a short time, but he’s a really loving, sweet guy for the most part. My main issue is with his hang-ups about social media and my phone in particular.

As part of my job, I spend a significant amount of time on various social media platforms. I use it to monitor trends and research competition. My boyfriend recently demanded to know my phone’s PIN and the passwords for the apps I use. Because of how we met, he’s afraid I‘m still using dating apps and thinks I’ll meet men behind his back.

He told me that if I really loved him, I would be okay with sharing the details with him, even though they’re work-related, since he was willing to share all his passwords. I refused, but sometimes if I leave my phone to go to the bathroom, I come back to find it unlocked or locked but with an app open that I wasn’t using beforehand.

It doesn’t happen all the time when we’re together, but it’s making me paranoid that he’s somehow hacked my phone. What should I do?

—SOS

Dear SOS,

I’m sorry, but the sheer number of red flags in your email has my head spinning. 

One of the first things I learned way back in primary school, when computer science was first introduced, was to never, ever give anyone your password under any circumstances. I can still remember my teacher saying that anyone who demands your password isn’t your friend. Your boyfriend obviously never learned that lesson.

Not only that, he’s blaming his issues with social media on you, which they aren’t. His fears about you meeting other men online stem from his own insecurities. Additionally, the use of “if you really loved me“-style arguments speaks volumes about his level of maturity.

He’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

That right there should be a sign to take a step back and rethink this relationship. You have been dating since the spring but he’s disregarding your boundaries, claiming that it’s not love if you don’t do a particular thing he wants and accusing you of cheating on him enough that you’re starting to question yourself?

This is not a healthy relationship. It also makes me highly doubt that he is a genuinely sweet, loving guy. He sounds abusive, to put it plainly. You need to take care of yourself before he escalates things any further.

You’re not responsible for his mental well-being and it isn’t your job to “fix him.”

If his only argument as to why he needs your confidential information is that he doesn’t trust you to be faithful, then there isn’t a legitimate reason you should be dating him. Relationships are built on mutual trust and communication—and he lacks both.

Another possibility is that his constant fears of you cheating on him are his subconscious anxiety over cheating on you. Again, it’s not your job as his girlfriend to give up all your privacy and personal information to make him feel better. This is the kind of relationship that you should end as cleanly and safely as possible for the sake of your own mental health and well-being.

Things To Check

© Photo by iStock: Михаил Руденко

The fact that you’ve found your phone in different circumstances than you left it is worrying. If he has hacked it as you say, then he’s probably already looked through, copied or done whatever else he wants to with your social media and apps.

Since you use it mainly for work, is this your personal phone or one provided by the company that he’s demanding access to? Either way, he has absolutely zero right to its contents. Still, if it’s one provided by your workplace, then you could consult with your IT department or supervisor about obtaining a new device or enhancing security, at the very least.

If it is your personal phone, then there are a few things you need to check and change. You should look up your phone’s make and model and become familiar with its standard apps, as well as those provided by your phone service provider.

Are any of the apps on your phone new or not something you recognize?

If so, look them up on your computer and try to find out what they do. Anything that appears out of place or has been recently added without your permission should be uninstalled immediately. If it’s crucial for your phone’s use, the phone itself will inform you that you need the app for a specific function.

Is your location being tracked?

Some apps only track when in use, while others track constantly. However, you can control these settings from your phone’s menu. Look into those settings and if you don’t want to be tracked, turn them off. The same goes for your photos: are they being tagged with your location or not?

Do you have emails or messages in your junk/trash folders that you don’t remember receiving or sending?

Check them carefully as he could have been sending himself personal information, photos and other private data from your phone.

Change Your Passwords

© Photo by iStock: gahsoon

I don’t know how many apps you use, but if you have, say, four to five social media apps on your phone, then you’ve got some work ahead of you:

• Change all your passwords
• Enable two-factor authentication
• Update all your security settings

Every single password should be unique and impossible to guess randomly based on information about you (such as birthdays or pet names).

Friends who have had similar issues say that the best way to make sure you are the only one with access to any recovery data on your accounts is to make a new Gmail address (do not give it to anyone) and have all authorization emails, password reset requests and so on be sent to that address.

Or, Just Reset It All

According to friends who work for Apple and Android, the best way to ensure that your phone is completely free from potential tracking apps and the like is to perform a factory reset on your phone. Personally, I would take my phone into the store and have it professionally reset, just in case. Alternatively, consider updating to a new phone if your finances and/or phone plan permit it.

Once it’s all brand new software-wise, you can reinstall your known apps with their new passwords and authorizations. Last but not least, depending on the model phone you use, you should set up a new PIN and/or use the fingerprint lock or facial recognition, if available.

The bottom line though, if you have to go through all of those steps just so you can look at social media sites safely—you should not be with this guy. He’s crossed a lot of hard boundaries! If he doesn’t trust you, there’s no reason why you should put yourself through all this stress—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

It’s been three long years since I met my Japanese husband’s parents, but the memory remains fresh in my mind. When we met his parents in Nara, I vividly recall feeling nervous yet excited at the same time. As much as I wanted to make a great first impression, I didn’t want to come across as someone trying too hard. Fortunately, everything went smoothly despite the language barrier and cultural differences. While I cannot turn back the clock, I can certainly share some solid relationship advice. Here are a few tips to keep in mind when you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time.

While some of these might be universal, they carry particular importance in Japan. Let’s begin, shall we?

Bow When You First Meet Them

© Photo by iStock: recep-bg

When you meet your Japanese partner’s parents for the first time, bow deeply and hold the position for at least three seconds. This gesture shows respect. As tempting as it may be, avoid going in for firm handshakes, kisses on the cheeks or warm bear hugs. These gestures are uncommon in Japan. Hence, to avoid offending or embarrassing anyone, bowing is a safe way to greet them.

Always Bring A Gift

It’s always a good idea to bring a gift along when meeting someone new. Remember, the present doesn’t have to be extravagant, but thoughtful and practical. Some safe gifting options are edible souvenirs, a bottle of sparkling wine or sake, a fruit basket or even a sweet handwritten note in Japanese.

Work On Your Chopsticks Skills

© Photo by iStock: paylessimages

It’s your chopstick skills that will take your future Japanese in-laws by surprise. If you have mastered them, you will earn plenty of brownie points. According to my husband’s relative, Japanese people secretly judge one’s education level by the way they use their hashi (chopsticks). Hence, practice at home first before meeting them.

Begin by picking up simple food items at first, such as sushi, carrot sticks, dumplings, sticky rice, sliced cheese and cold cuts. As you gain more confidence using chopsticks, try trickier food items, such as natto, peas, beans, nuts, grains and tofu. With practice, you will become a pro in no time!

Practice Speaking Japanese 

© Photo by iStock: takasuu

Even if you don’t possess a Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) N1 certificate, simple conversational words and phrases will be enough to impress your partner’s parents right away.

You can improve your communication skills by setting an hour aside every day to listen to podcasts, talk with your partner in Japanese or watch anime and YouTube videos. Beginners will enjoy learning Japanese from YouTubers like Japanese Ammo With Misa and Learn Japanese With Puni Puni.

For more advice, check out our article on how to improve your Japanese.

Dress To Impress

© Photo by iStock: maruco

A polished, modest outfit will convey thoughtfulness and an awareness of cultural expectations in Japan. Try to dress elegantly and stylishly. Showing too much skin can be distracting and make the people around you feel uncomfortable. Avoid wearing V-neck blouses or mini dresses. Stick to smart casuals instead. Try embracing cardigans, blazers, trousers, black jeans, midi skirts and long-sleeved tops.

Dressing appropriately will help you start the relationship with their family on the right note.

Refrain From Displays Of Affection

© Photo by iStock: recep-bg

Indulging in PDA is a big no-no in Japan. Simply holding hands won’t get you into trouble, but you might get disapproving glances from the parents if you run your fingers through your partner’s hair, plant kisses all over their face or closely lean into them during conversations. Play it cool by keeping your distance and respecting your partner’s cultural boundaries.

Minimal Makeup For The Win!

© Photo by iStock: Peopleimages

Did you know that the Japanese people value natural beauty over heavy makeup? The less makeup, the better the skin breathes and looks. When meeting your future in-laws, stick to soft tones in shades of nudes, pinks and browns.

5 Makeup Tips To Keep In Mind

1. Concealer is a better option than a full-coverage foundation for hiding blemishes. Fewer products will ensure a more natural look.
2. Red or coral lipstick colors can appear overpowering. Go for a neutral or pink lip tint or lipstick instead.
3. With mascara-coated lashes and well-groomed eyebrows, your eyes will stand out perfectly.
4. Keep your look monochromatic: opt for pink lids, lips and cheeks!
5. Add a little touch of blush on the apples of your cheeks for that fresh, flushed look.

Always Offer to Help!

© Photo by iStock: Nattakorn Maneerat

Whether it’s helping with the dishes or clearing the table after the meal, always be willing to offer help (even when it’s not asked of you). Most of the time, they won’t let you lift a finger. However, as a sign of courtesy and good upbringing, always offer help.

Last but not least, have fun with it. It’s natural to make mistakes a few times, but do not let that discourage you. As long as your words and actions come from a pure place, they will love and accept you.

If you find yourself in a bind, ask your partner for help or follow what everyone else is doing. There isn’t the slightest doubt in my mind that you’ll do amazingly well. Good luck!

Hey Hilary—He’s On The Phone Again

I never thought I would be writing to anyone for advice, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. My Japanese boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I used to think we had a great relationship, but now I’m not so sure. He started out being so attentive and caring, but things have really gone wrong.

He’s constantly on his phone. He looks at it while we’re at restaurants, he takes it to the bathroom with him, and even takes it into the shower too. He still looks at it even when we’re holding hands and walking together, too. I have to make sure he doesn’t walk out into traffic because he would otherwise.

I don’t know if he’s just doomscrolling social media, either. He types sometimes, other times he smiles at the screen, and a couple of times I caught him making short videos of himself. He won’t share what he’s looking at even if I ask, and if I try to sneak a peek, he shuts the screen off and tells me it’s personal. I know phone addiction is a thing, but is it that, or is he cheating? How should I confront him about this?

—Phone Sick

Dear Phone Sick,

I can understand the frustration you must be feeling. No one wants to spend time with someone who ignores their very existence, especially not if you become their de facto guide so they can pay more attention to their phone.

Phubbing VS Phone Addiction

Phubbing is the term used to describe ignoring one’s partner or friends and focusing on phone use instead. This can happen among groups of friends or between couples on dates. While the person on their phone might not see anything wrong with this, the ignored partner is often left feeling an emotional disconnect and lower overall satisfaction with the relationship.

Phone addiction, on the other hand, is a behavioral addiction centered on the obsessive use of a smartphone. While people’s lives do tend to be oriented around their phones, the boundary between “normal use” and addiction isn’t based on the amount of time or usage, but their behavior when denied access to their phone.

Symptoms of phone addiction include lying about how much they use it, not being able to be alone without it, reaching for it immediately when bored, and anger or irritation if their phone use is interrupted.

Another warning sign is an inability to walk or do other activities without having their phone on in some capacity. The Japanese term  “○○ながら” (‘something’ nagara) means “while doing [something]” and has become shorthand to refer to people doing an activity while on their phones. You mentioned having to act as his guide because of his phone use. 

From my perspective, it does sound more like a phone addiction than him phubbing you. Not that that’s very reassuring, I’m sure. What is more concerning, however, is the fact that he’s hiding the phone from you.

Adultery

Shutting off your screen and telling people something is personal in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, repeatedly doing so, keeping your phone constantly with you, smiling at the screen, and typing at odd hours or more than usual are all classic red flags of adultery.

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Has he always been secretive about his phone? 
• Have you ever been allowed to look at it before? 
• Does he get angry or defensive when you ask to see his phone? 
• Is your partner spending less time with you, or does he suddenly seem busier than usual with friends or work? 
• What is your gut telling you?

The last question may be the hardest of all, as it means facing the possibility that he has been cheating on you for some time and hiding it in plain sight. There are several ways to handle this, of course, and the option you choose is entirely up to you.

First, you can ghost him. 

Not in the traditional sense, but rather you withdraw from the relationship, essentially. He’s been ignoring you and your presence in favor of his phone and whatever he’s doing on there, so why give him access to you any longer? Avoid texting or calling him as often, and refrain from sharing your news with him. Instead, make plans to do other things or spend time with friends rather than him. Make making yourself happy the priority, and you’ll start to see positive changes in yourself.

Whether he’s addicted to his phone or cheating or both, he will either not notice or notice too late. You’ll have your answer: you weren’t a priority to him, and that’s his loss, not yours.

Your second option is to confront him directly. 

If you choose this route, you must be prepared for what a direct confrontation can entail. I don’t know you or your partner, but doing this in a public place tends to keep people from reacting with the level of vehemence they might in private.

I would start by asking him to put his phone down, then telling him how you feel, and that you suspect him of cheating on you. How he reacts is entirely up to him, but how you perceive his response will tell you everything you need to know. Whether he comes clean about cheating, tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong, or gives you his phone and/or proves his innocence, he has still been guilty of ignoring you in favor of his phone.

I think you yourself already know what you would like to do, but understandably, you would want outside validation of your feelings as well. Just remember, you don’t deserve to be ignored or cheated on, and you should never have to beg for attention from someone who claims to be your partner—best of luck!

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”