Sefure: ‘Sex Friend’ Aka Friends With Benefits in Japan
A Purely Physical Relationship
An outline of casual relationships and hookup culture in Japan.
People have needs. Sometimes, taking care of things on your own is enough, and there are plenty of self-pleasure toys and videos to help you in that regard. If you’d rather have a partner to help you cross the finish line, then there are a few things you should know about sefure or sex friend in Japan.
What Is A Sefure?
© Photo by iStock: JcompSefure (セフレ) is the abbreviation of the Japanese-English expression セックスフレンド (sekkusu furendo; “sex friend”). It’s the slang term for a sexual relationship between two consenting adults strictly for sexual pleasure, also known in English as a “friend with benefits” (FWB) or the more casual, “f-buddy.”
This is not to be confused with the term ペフレ (pefure; “petting friend”), who is someone you only make out with; as in, no penetrative sex. This may or may not preclude oral sex as well, although whether oral counts varies from person to person.
According to surveys in AnAn and other magazines, roughly 85 percent of Japanese men and 73 percent of Japanese women (between the ages of 24 and 59) have engaged in purely physical relationships. Roughly 30 percent of men already in relationships have a sefure, while about 20 percent of women do, and the numbers are relatively similar among same-sex and opposite-gendered relationships.
Sefure Versus FWB
© Photo by iStock: aluxumA sefure or a FWB is someone with whom you have a purely physical relationship, without any indication or even implication of emotional connection. There is no public relationship, no dating (aside from meeting up at a love hotel), and most importantly, no emotional bond.
A FWB, however, is often deemed a midway point between friendship and dating, and it can be both a step towards or a step away from a full romantic and physical relationship.
Typically, when it comes to FWB, the partners are single, in an open relationship, or polyamorous. Sefure, on the other hand, may be in long-term, committed relationships with other people or even be married.
Cultural Perceptions
© Photo by iStock: praetorianphotoSex itself is something both private and public, but in cultural terms, the general perception is that sefure are a necessary evil—for men. For women, “it’s an unnatural thing. People still think that women can’t want sex, it’s wrong for them to be sexual if it’s not for a man’s gain” (Japanese woman, 41).
While this point of view is changing, it’s still considered taboo enough that in popular media, anyone with a sefure usually ends up in a “real relationship” with that partner, or suffers the consequences for their actions. “Which is a terrible thing to do in a country where no one wants to date” (Japanese businessman, 32).
Gender Discrepancies
© Photo by iStock: Masafumi_NakanishiCasual relationships have their own appeal, but as with any subject matter, a person’s official stance and their personal feelings on the subject are often two very different things.
According to Matching Queen, the reasons why someone wants a sefure are numerous, but appear to vary widely by gender. Men are perceived as wanting sefure because their main partner has no/low libido or the man has a higher than average libido that one partner can’t satisfy. Women may do it because of their libido, to alleviate loneliness, to get revenge on a cheating partner, or because they wish to have a child without being in a relationship.
Merits & Demerits of Sefure
© Photo by iStock: sukenPositively speaking, sefure serve a number of functions. They’re a way of improving your bedroom skills or exploring your sexuality/kinks. A sefure is also a safe outlet for physical desires without requiring commitment.
The downsides include the obvious risk of disease if your partner is seeing others or having unprotected sex with multiple people, as well as an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. Beyond those two main demerits, the chances of having mismatched expectations of one another or “catching feelings” for your sefure are high.
One other big, potential con is that, if you are in a non-sefure relationship but ‘caught’ with a sefure, the social stigma could cost you greatly. Whether you know your partner is married or in a relationship or not, you will be held just as accountable.
There are other reasons as well, although whether they’re positive or negative points depends on the individual. With a sefure, you don’t need to celebrate anniversaries or holidays, there is no expectation of gift-giving or paying for a date (unless you exclusively meet at hotels), and if you find you aren’t compatible, you can easily break things off.
Finding A Sefure In Japan
© Photo by iStock: martin-dmIt’s not all that difficult to find someone for a purely physical relationship. “It’s as easy as walking down the street, especially if you’re remotely attractive” (Australian woman, 43).
That being said, picking someone up on the road or in a club isn’t exactly discreet or safe. You can meet people online or in discrete communities, too, though again, meeting up with strangers online is risky. Dating apps are a good way of finding relationships of all kinds, but again, how you go about vetting a potential partner matters most of all.
Non-Japanese Challenges With Sefure
© Photo by iStock: S_ChumAs a non-Japanese person, miscommunications and cultural misunderstandings are a major issue. Sefure relationships sometimes follow a weekly scheduled sexual appointment. This may come across as cold to some foreigners, while Japanese partners can sometimes find that their foreign partner expects too much. “She treated it like a mini relationship when I told her it was sex and sex only. She wanted to talk about ‘us’ all the time” (Japanese man, 26).
One major area of concern for both partners is being exoticized or stereotyped. “I met this woman who was obsessed with J-idol guys and wanted me to be one for her. No thanks” (Japanese man, 29). “I stopped dating because I was so sick of being compared to this white porn star I vaguely resemble” (American woman, 33).
General Rules To Keep In Mind
© Photo by iStock: SinenkiyIf you are considering finding a casual sex partner in Japan, there are a few things to keep in mind.
Practice Safe Sex
Get yourself tested regularly, make sure your partner gets tested and disclose any concerns or issues immediately. If you’re mature enough to have casual sex, then you should be mature enough to deal with the health risks that come with it.
Clarity & Communication Are Key
Before you fall into bed with anyone, make sure you know what you and they are after. Is it just sex? Is it a one-time thing, is it a casual and regular hook-up, or is it the start of a relationship? Figure this out so that you don’t end up hurting yourself or your partner. Never assume that the other person feels the same way you do.
Understand The Relationship
If this is a sefure relationship, do not treat it like a dating relationship. You aren’t dating and should not expect any degree of emotional support from your sefure. “Don’t expect good morning texts or flowers, you’re there to get off and that’s it” (Japanese woman, 45).
Expect Sudden Ends
The relationship can be ended at any time by either partner simply by ghosting them. “Just because I’ve slept with them a couple of times doesn’t mean I need them. If the sex gets boring, it’s time to move on” (American man, 29).
Sefure aren’t for everyone. Some people are capable of handling a purely physical relationship, some people can’t. Sometimes you don’t know until you try. Whatever happens, be safe and be honest with yourself and any potential partner.
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