Letters from Japan: ‘He Wants My Passwords For Everything’

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues.

Hi Hilary—He Wants My Passwords For Everything

I started dating a Japanese guy I met on Tinder this spring. We’ve only been dating for a short time, but he’s a really loving, sweet guy for the most part. My main issue is with his hang-ups about social media and my phone in particular.

As part of my job, I spend a significant amount of time on various social media platforms. I use it to monitor trends and research competition. My boyfriend recently demanded to know my phone’s PIN and the passwords for the apps I use. Because of how we met, he’s afraid I‘m still using dating apps and thinks I’ll meet men behind his back.

He told me that if I really loved him, I would be okay with sharing the details with him, even though they’re work-related, since he was willing to share all his passwords. I refused, but sometimes if I leave my phone to go to the bathroom, I come back to find it unlocked or locked but with an app open that I wasn’t using beforehand.

It doesn’t happen all the time when we’re together, but it’s making me paranoid that he’s somehow hacked my phone. What should I do?

—SOS

Dear SOS,

I’m sorry, but the sheer number of red flags in your email has my head spinning. 

One of the first things I learned way back in primary school, when computer science was first introduced, was to never, ever give anyone your password under any circumstances. I can still remember my teacher saying that anyone who demands your password isn’t your friend. Your boyfriend obviously never learned that lesson.

Not only that, he’s blaming his issues with social media on you, which they aren’t. His fears about you meeting other men online stem from his own insecurities. Additionally, the use of “if you really loved me“-style arguments speaks volumes about his level of maturity.

He’s trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

That right there should be a sign to take a step back and rethink this relationship. You have been dating since the spring but he’s disregarding your boundaries, claiming that it’s not love if you don’t do a particular thing he wants and accusing you of cheating on him enough that you’re starting to question yourself?

This is not a healthy relationship. It also makes me highly doubt that he is a genuinely sweet, loving guy. He sounds abusive, to put it plainly. You need to take care of yourself before he escalates things any further.

You’re not responsible for his mental well-being and it isn’t your job to “fix him.”

If his only argument as to why he needs your confidential information is that he doesn’t trust you to be faithful, then there isn’t a legitimate reason you should be dating him. Relationships are built on mutual trust and communication—and he lacks both.

Another possibility is that his constant fears of you cheating on him are his subconscious anxiety over cheating on you. Again, it’s not your job as his girlfriend to give up all your privacy and personal information to make him feel better. This is the kind of relationship that you should end as cleanly and safely as possible for the sake of your own mental health and well-being.

Things To Check

© Photo by iStock: Михаил Руденко

The fact that you’ve found your phone in different circumstances than you left it is worrying. If he has hacked it as you say, then he’s probably already looked through, copied or done whatever else he wants to with your social media and apps.

Since you use it mainly for work, is this your personal phone or one provided by the company that he’s demanding access to? Either way, he has absolutely zero right to its contents. Still, if it’s one provided by your workplace, then you could consult with your IT department or supervisor about obtaining a new device or enhancing security, at the very least.

If it is your personal phone, then there are a few things you need to check and change. You should look up your phone’s make and model and become familiar with its standard apps, as well as those provided by your phone service provider.

Are any of the apps on your phone new or not something you recognize?

If so, look them up on your computer and try to find out what they do. Anything that appears out of place or has been recently added without your permission should be uninstalled immediately. If it’s crucial for your phone’s use, the phone itself will inform you that you need the app for a specific function.

Is your location being tracked?

Some apps only track when in use, while others track constantly. However, you can control these settings from your phone’s menu. Look into those settings and if you don’t want to be tracked, turn them off. The same goes for your photos: are they being tagged with your location or not?

Do you have emails or messages in your junk/trash folders that you don’t remember receiving or sending?

Check them carefully as he could have been sending himself personal information, photos and other private data from your phone.

Change Your Passwords

© Photo by iStock: gahsoon

I don’t know how many apps you use, but if you have, say, four to five social media apps on your phone, then you’ve got some work ahead of you:

• Change all your passwords
• Enable two-factor authentication
• Update all your security settings

Every single password should be unique and impossible to guess randomly based on information about you (such as birthdays or pet names).

Friends who have had similar issues say that the best way to make sure you are the only one with access to any recovery data on your accounts is to make a new Gmail address (do not give it to anyone) and have all authorization emails, password reset requests and so on be sent to that address.

Or, Just Reset It All

According to friends who work for Apple and Android, the best way to ensure that your phone is completely free from potential tracking apps and the like is to perform a factory reset on your phone. Personally, I would take my phone into the store and have it professionally reset, just in case. Alternatively, consider updating to a new phone if your finances and/or phone plan permit it.

Once it’s all brand new software-wise, you can reinstall your known apps with their new passwords and authorizations. Last but not least, depending on the model phone you use, you should set up a new PIN and/or use the fingerprint lock or facial recognition, if available.

The bottom line though, if you have to go through all of those steps just so you can look at social media sites safely—you should not be with this guy. He’s crossed a lot of hard boundaries! If he doesn’t trust you, there’s no reason why you should put yourself through all this stress—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

Comments

KP says:

November 24, 2025 at 10:08 am

I work in cyber security. My recommendation is to drop him…. Like yesterday… No one should know your passwords or PINs but YOU.
Then, as mentioned reset your devices, change passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and update security settings

ELO says:

November 27, 2025 at 8:43 am

A message to SOS: run!

Don’t waste a second with this guy!