Losing A Partner in Japan: Death, Grief & Life After Loss
How Do You Cope?
How do you deal with it and continue on after losing your partner in Japan?
Everyone knows that death is inevitable. If you are married to a Japanese national and living in Japan, then there may come a time when you lose your spouse. Losing a partner in Japan can happen after a long illness, old age, or something very sudden and unexpected. Calling it an unpleasant experience is putting it extremely mildly. Grief takes a novel rather than an article to describe adequately.
I’ve lost a partner, and I’ve known several people, Japanese and foreign, who have lost a spouse/partner as well, both in Japan and while living abroad. How was the experience? Well, in short:
“It sucks. You lose everything in no time at all, and nothing is ever going to be the same again. Does it get better? I mean, it gets less bad with time, but that’s not really encouraging” (Sarah, 59).
The Emotional & Physical Toll
© Photo by iStock: dreamnikonGrief is a total body experience. Emotionally, you may be numb, sad, lonely or struggle with feelings of guilt, anger and fear. Or any combination of the above at the same time.
Physically, grief causes sleep disturbances (too much or too little), a weakened immune system and an increased risk of heart problems (Broken heart syndrome). The stress of a loss, especially of a partner, can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which can increase or worsen your health as well.
Many people have experienced loss while living overseas away from their families. Grieving as an expat has its own layers of isolation, to say nothing of the logistical challenges or impact that cultural differences can have.
What about grieving the loss of a partner while living in another culture?
“There are so many rules you have to follow with funerals in Japan that it helped me grieve in the short term. People could tell me what to do, what I had to wear and that made it easier. Until it didn’t, then I was a train wreck. It hasn’t been easy, but I found talking about it [in a support group] has made it more tolerable” (Jean, 43).
As unimaginable as it might sound, there will come a time when grief doesn’t hit you as hard as it once did. The complicated mix of feelings eases, and eventually, you may feel like your old self again. However, this isn’t always the case.
Complicated grief, also known as persistent complex bereavement disorder, essentially means that the painful emotions of grief are so severe and long-lasting that you struggle to recover and resume your own life.
“My mother [Japanese] couldn’t function after my father [American] died. She tried to take her own life, and I had to put her in a hospital to get treatment. She’s still struggling, but doing a little better. I started going to counseling after she was hospitalized, too” (Maya, 33).
If you are still in intense grief and unable to move forward even in the slightest, a year after your loss, please seek help. There are always places to turn to for help with your mental health. For more information, please see this article on counseling in Japan.
Death & Work
© Photo by iStock: Tamer ALKISJapanese employers must provide their full-time employees with bereavement leave, or ‘condolence leave’ kibiki kyuka (忌引休暇). That being said, they are not required to provide said leave to anyone working part-time, on a short-term contract or as a dispatch or temp worker.
The amount of leave you’ll be given depends on your relationship to the deceased. If you are a partner, you will be given five days. You can get an additional two days if you are in charge of organizing the funeral. Any other leave will either have to be negotiated or used as paid/unpaid time off.
Five days. A business week. That doesn’t sound like much, and it isn’t for most people.
“When my wife died, I powered through and went back to work, but I didn’t care anymore. I was already old enough to retire, and so I did. I had to—I wanted to do what we couldn’t instead. Our kids were glad to have more time with me. I think it helped us all to grieve” (Keith, 68).
The Practical Aspects Of Loss
© Photo by iStock: ampueroleonardoThey say that “nothing is certain except death and taxes,” and both involve more than their fair share of paperwork.
“I had no idea what to do when my wife died. She handled everything in terms of paperwork for us for so many years. I didn’t know where anything was or what kind of Buddhist my wife was until her older brother explained where their parents’ grave was” (Alan, 71).
There are a number of steps involved when reporting the death of a partner, which have been covered more in depth here. What bears repeating, however, is that any foreigner married to a Japanese partner will have extra requirements to meet. Failure to do so can and will lead to many more complications that no one should have to deal with while grieving such a deep loss.
Contacting & Reporting
You have to contact your local immigration office within two weeks of the death if your partner is a Japanese national. For most foreigners married to Japanese nationals, your status in Japan is a ‘Spouse or Child of Japanese National’ visa, and, as cruel as it sounds, their death effectively cancels your visa status.
When reporting to the immigration office, you will need to submit a 配偶者に関する届出 (haigusha ni kansuru todoku; “Notification of Spouse”), your passport, your residence card, your spouse’s death certificate, proof of your spouse’s Japanese nationality and your marriage certificate.
Upon their death, you have two options: to remain in Japan or to move back to your country of origin. If you wish to leave, you have up to six months to stay in Japan and take care of the inheritance process, etc.
Staying in Japan After Loss
If you intend to remain in Japan, however, you will need to submit a 在留資格の変更 (zairyushikaku no henko; “Change of Status of Residence”) form as well as the documents mentioned above.
Failure to submit this document can mean your visa is revoked or denied. If, for any reason, your visa status change isn’t granted, you might be given a ‘Designated Activities’ temporary visa (特定活動ビザ; tokuteikatsudo biza) so that you can deal with the estate and prepare to move overseas.
Hopefully, you will not experience losing a partner in Japan and the struggles that accompany it for many, many years to come.
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