Letters from Japan: “He’s On The Phone Again”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues.

Hey Hilary—He’s On The Phone Again

I never thought I would be writing to anyone for advice, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. My Japanese boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. I used to think we had a great relationship, but now I’m not so sure. He started out being so attentive and caring, but things have really gone wrong.

He’s constantly on his phone. He looks at it while we’re at restaurants, he takes it to the bathroom with him, and even takes it into the shower too. He still looks at it even when we’re holding hands and walking together, too. I have to make sure he doesn’t walk out into traffic because he would otherwise.

I don’t know if he’s just doomscrolling social media, either. He types sometimes, other times he smiles at the screen, and a couple of times I caught him making short videos of himself. He won’t share what he’s looking at even if I ask, and if I try to sneak a peek, he shuts the screen off and tells me it’s personal. I know phone addiction is a thing, but is it that, or is he cheating? How should I confront him about this?

—Phone Sick

Dear Phone Sick,

I can understand the frustration you must be feeling. No one wants to spend time with someone who ignores their very existence, especially not if you become their de facto guide so they can pay more attention to their phone.

Phubbing VS Phone Addiction

Phubbing is the term used to describe ignoring one’s partner or friends and focusing on phone use instead. This can happen among groups of friends or between couples on dates. While the person on their phone might not see anything wrong with this, the ignored partner is often left feeling an emotional disconnect and lower overall satisfaction with the relationship.

Phone addiction, on the other hand, is a behavioral addiction centered on the obsessive use of a smartphone. While people’s lives do tend to be oriented around their phones, the boundary between “normal use” and addiction isn’t based on the amount of time or usage, but their behavior when denied access to their phone.

Symptoms of phone addiction include lying about how much they use it, not being able to be alone without it, reaching for it immediately when bored, and anger or irritation if their phone use is interrupted.

Another warning sign is an inability to walk or do other activities without having their phone on in some capacity. The Japanese term  “○○ながら” (‘something’ nagara) means “while doing [something]” and has become shorthand to refer to people doing an activity while on their phones. You mentioned having to act as his guide because of his phone use. 

From my perspective, it does sound more like a phone addiction than him phubbing you. Not that that’s very reassuring, I’m sure. What is more concerning, however, is the fact that he’s hiding the phone from you.

Adultery

Shutting off your screen and telling people something is personal in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, repeatedly doing so, keeping your phone constantly with you, smiling at the screen, and typing at odd hours or more than usual are all classic red flags of adultery.

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Has he always been secretive about his phone? 
• Have you ever been allowed to look at it before? 
• Does he get angry or defensive when you ask to see his phone? 
• Is your partner spending less time with you, or does he suddenly seem busier than usual with friends or work? 
• What is your gut telling you?

The last question may be the hardest of all, as it means facing the possibility that he has been cheating on you for some time and hiding it in plain sight. There are several ways to handle this, of course, and the option you choose is entirely up to you.

First, you can ghost him. 

Not in the traditional sense, but rather you withdraw from the relationship, essentially. He’s been ignoring you and your presence in favor of his phone and whatever he’s doing on there, so why give him access to you any longer? Avoid texting or calling him as often, and refrain from sharing your news with him. Instead, make plans to do other things or spend time with friends rather than him. Make making yourself happy the priority, and you’ll start to see positive changes in yourself.

Whether he’s addicted to his phone or cheating or both, he will either not notice or notice too late. You’ll have your answer: you weren’t a priority to him, and that’s his loss, not yours.

Your second option is to confront him directly. 

If you choose this route, you must be prepared for what a direct confrontation can entail. I don’t know you or your partner, but doing this in a public place tends to keep people from reacting with the level of vehemence they might in private.

I would start by asking him to put his phone down, then telling him how you feel, and that you suspect him of cheating on you. How he reacts is entirely up to him, but how you perceive his response will tell you everything you need to know. Whether he comes clean about cheating, tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re wrong, or gives you his phone and/or proves his innocence, he has still been guilty of ignoring you in favor of his phone.

I think you yourself already know what you would like to do, but understandably, you would want outside validation of your feelings as well. Just remember, you don’t deserve to be ignored or cheated on, and you should never have to beg for attention from someone who claims to be your partner—best of luck!

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”