Letters from Japan: “Rethinking Life in Japan”

Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women's health issues.

Hey Hilary—I’m Rethinking Life in Japan

You probably receive emails like this all the time, but I’ve broken up with my Japanese boyfriend, and now I’m rethinking everything about my life, including whether to stay in Japan.

I’ve lived in Japan for eight years. My Japanese ex-boyfriend and I work in the same office together; I’ve known him for all eight years, but we only dated for two. Our office has no rules against dating coworkers, and he and I were able to keep our personal and work lives separate for the most part. I don’t want to get into the details of why we broke up, but it came down to wanting different things. We decided to go our separate ways but stay friends.

Now he ignores me at work and when we do have to interact, he’s cold and standoffish. I’m good at my job, and I haven’t had any issues with anyone before the break-up, but this month, for some reason, other coworkers have had complaints about my work.

I feel like he’s brought our break-up into work, and since I’m less senior there than he is, I get the feeling that people are hoping I’ll leave.

I’m starting to seriously consider leaving my job, and Japan as well. I couldn’t easily find another job in my industry, and I would still run the risk of having to interact with my ex and my current company. I could easily work in my industry in my home country and never interact with my ex-boyfriend again.

I’m unsure whether returning overseas makes sense, or if I should relocate within Japan, or stay at my current company until my visa expires. I guess my question is, what would you do in my position?

—Feeling Lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

You’ve been in Japan for some time, and you’ve experienced a significant change in a relationship, which has either directly or indirectly impacted your career as well. Understandably, you’d be feeling lost and conflicted about your future.

One of my favorite movie quotes comes from Olympia Dukakis’s character in Moonstruck: “Don’t s*** where you eat.” As you have unfortunately learned, and despite making it work for a few years, what happens between coworkers who turn into couples rarely stays out of the workplace.

While I can only take your word that your coworkers have never taken issue with your work, this sudden change in your perception in the office is telling. You know your ex best, so I would have to agree that, consciously or not, he has somehow influenced your coworkers against you.

Given that you’re now in a more hostile work environment, it also makes sense that you’d be considering leaving your current job. However, before you do, note this: if he is undermining your work, you may want to bring this to the attention of people higher up in the company.

Harassment of various kinds has become an increasingly pressing issue in Japan recently.

Harassment in the workplace is something the company would take seriously. According to top recruiting companies, your ex’s behavior could fall under power/moral harassment, which includes gossip, mental attacks and purposely excluding people and/or persuading others to do so.

You say that it wouldn’t be easy to find a new, similar position while in Japan, and you would likely still be in contact with your ex and current company.

• Would you feel comfortable still being in contact with him or the company?
• Could you separate what happened from your potential other employer?
• What do you stand to gain and lose if you were to change jobs (or even careers) in Japan?

Perhaps the more complicated question to answer:

• What would you stand to gain and lose if you were to move back to your home country?
• Would the pros outweigh the cons in the long term, or vice versa?

Another important question to consider:

• How much time do you have left on your visa?

If it’s a year or less, you might feel pressured to make decisions quickly, especially with the changing visa fees being discussed in the news these days. Don’t bow to that pressure; give yourself the time to consider your options carefully. Leaving Japan requires a lot of preparation, and if you rush into things, you might come to regret your decision in the long run.

If it’s more than a year, then I would suggest sticking it out for a month or two more at your current job. Things could settle down to relative normal again, or they might not. It’s essential to determine whether this is a temporary reaction on your coworkers’ part or if it is a sign that you should consider finding a new job. You need to know that you’re making the right decision for your career and future.

It’s nearly the end of the year, and I know things can feel more dire in this season, but you need to put yourself first and foremost. Take your time and make sure that you’re seeing things with clear eyes. You know you, so give yourself the grace to breathe, think and come to the right conclusions—best of luck.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”

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